THE
WITCHES OF NEW YORK.
THE
WITCHES OF NEW YORK,
AS ENCOUNTERED BY
Q. K. PHILANDER DOESTICKS, P. B.
NEW YORK :
RUDD & CARLETON, 310 BROADWAY. M D C C C L I X .
K
OF
L
TT
Entered according to Act of Congress, in the year 1858, by
RUDD & CAELETOX,
In the Clerk's Office of the District Court of the United States for the Southern District of New York.
E. CRAlGHEAfc,
liter, Stereotyper, and Electrotype^
Carton JJmRimg,
81, S3, and 83 Centre Street*
PREFACE.
WHAT the Witches of New York City personally told me, Doesticks, you will find written in this volume, without the slightest exaggeration or perversion. I set out now with no intention of misrepresenting anything that came under my observation in collecting the material for this book, but with an honest desire to tell the simple truth about the people I encountered, and the prophecies I paid for.
So far from desiring to do any injustice to the Fortune Tel- lers of the Metropolis, I sincerely hope that my labors may avail something towards making their true deservings more widely appreciated, and their fitting reward more full and speedy. I am satisfied that so soon as their character is better understood, and certain peculiar features of their business more thoroughly comprehended by the public, they will meet with more attention from the dignitaries of the land than has ever before been vouchsafed them.
I thank the public for the flattering consideration paid to what I have heretofore written, and respectfully submit that if they would increase the obligation, perhaps the readiest way is to buy and read the present volume.
THE AUTHOR.
Sept. 20&, 1858.
17
CONTENTS.
CHAPTER I. ia simply Explanatory so far as regards the book, but in it the author takes occasion to pay himself several merited compliments on the score of honesty, ability, &c., &c., &c 15
CHAPTER II. is devoted to the glorification of Madame Prew- ster, of No. 373 Bowery, the Pioneer Witch of New York. The "Individual" also herein bears his testimony that she is oily and water-proof. 27
CHAPTER III. wherein are related divers strange things of Madame Bruce, the " Mysterious Veiled Lady," o^No. 513 Broome Street 61
CHAPTER IV. Relates the marvellous performances of Madame Widger, of No. 3 First Avenue, and how she looks into the future through a paving stone 73
CHAPTER Y. Discourses of Mrs. Pugh, of No. 102 South First Street, Williamsburgh, and tells what that Nursing Sorceress communicated to the Cash Customer.. . 99
xii Contents.
CHAPTER VI. in which are narrated the wonderful workings of Madame Morrow, the " Astonisher," of No. 76 Broome Street, and how by a Crinolinic Stratagem the " Individual" got a sight of his " Future Husband." 123
CHAPTER VII. contains a full account of the interview of the Cash Customer with Doctor Wilson, the Astrologer, of No. 172 Delancey Street. The Fates decree that he shall " pizon his first wife." HOORAY ! 147
CHAPTER VIII. gives a history of how Mrs Hayes, the Clair- voyant, of No. 176 Grand Street, does the Conjuring Trick. 169
CHAPTER IX. tells all about Mrs. Seymour, the Clairvoyant,
of No. 110 Spring Street, and what she had to say 195
CHAPTER X. describes Madame Carzo, the li Brazilian A stro- logist," and gives all the romantic adventures of the "Indi- vidual" with the gay South American Maid 215
CHAPTER XL In which is set down the prophecy of Madame Leander Lent, of No. 163 Mulberry Street; and how she promised her customer numerous wives and children 239
CHAPTER XII. Wherein are described all the particulars of a visit to the " Gipsey Girl," of No. 207 Third Avenue ; with an allusion to Gin, and other luxuries dear to the heart of that beautiful Rover 261
CHAPTER XIII. contains a true account of the Magic Esta- blishment of Mrs. Fleury, of No. 263 Broome Street ; and also shows the exact amount of Witchcraft that snuffy parsonage can afford for one dollar 281
Contents. xiii
CHAPTER XIY. describes an interview with the 4i Cullud" Seer Mr. Grommer, of No. 34 North Second Street, Williams- burgh, and what that respectable Whitewasher and Prophet told his visitor. 305
CHAPTER XV. How the Individual called on Madame Clifton of No. 185 Orchard Street, and how that amiable and gifted "Seventh daughter of a Seventh daughter," prophesied his speedy death and destruction — together with all about the " Chinese Ruling Planet Charm." 327
CHAPTER XVI. details the particulars of a morning call on Madame Harris, and how she covered up her beautiful head in a black bag 353
CHAPTER XVII. Treats of the peculiarities of Several Witches
in a single batch 371
CHA PTER XVIII. Conclusion 395
\
CHAPTER I.
Which is simply explanatory, so far as regards the book, but in which the author takes occasion to pay him- self several merited compliments, on the score of honesty, ability, etc.
CHAPTER I.
WHICH IS MERELY EXPLANATORY.
THE first undertaking of the author of these pages will be to convince his readers that he has not set about making a merely funny book, and that the subject of which he writes is one that challenges their serious and earnest attention. Whatever of humorous description may be found in the succeeding chapters, is that which grows legitimately out of certain features of the theme ; for there has been no overstrained effort to make fun where none naturally existed.
The Witches of New York exert an influence too powerful and too wide-spread to be treated with such light regard as has been too long manifested by the community they have swindled for so many years ;
18 The Witches of New York.
and it is to be desired that the day may come when they will be no longer classed with harmless mounte- banks, but with dangerous criminals.
People, curious in advertisements, have often read the "Astrological" announcements of the news- papers, and have turned up their critical noses at the ungrammatical style thereof, and indulged the while in a sort of innocent wonder as to whether these transparent nets ever catch any gulls. These matter- of-fact individuals have no doubt often queried in a vague, purposeless way, if there really can be in enlightened New York any considerable number of persons who have faith in charms and love-powders, and who put their trust in the prophetic infallibility .of a pack of greasy playing-cards. It may open the eyes of these innocent querists to the popularity of modern witchcraft to learn that the nineteen she-pro- phets who advertise in the daily journals of this city are visited every week by an average of sixteen hundred people, or at the rate of more than a dozen customers a day for each one ; and of this immense number
Explanatory Chapter. 19
probably two-thirds place implicit confidence in the miserable stuff they hear and pay for.
It is also true that although a part of these visitors are ignorant servants, unfortunate girls of the town, or uneducated overgrown boys, still there are among them not a few men engaged in respectable and influential professions, and many merchants of good credit and repute, who periodically consult these women, and are actually governed by their advice in business affairs of great moment.
Carriages, attended by liveried servants, not unfre- quently stop at the nearest respectable corner adjoin- ing the abode of a notorious Fortune-Teller, while some richly-dressed but closely-veiled woman stealth- ily glides into the habitation of the "Witch. Many ladies of wealth and social position, led by curiosity, or other motives, enter these places for the purpose of hearing their "fortunes told." When these ladies are informed of the true character of the houses they have thus entered, and the real business of many of these women whose fortune-telling is but a screen to
OF THE
UNIVERSITY
20 The Witches of New York.
intercept the public gaze from it, it is not likely that any one of them will ever compromise her reputation by another visit.
People who do not know anything about the sub- ject will perhaps be surprised to hear that most of these humbug sorceresses are now, or have been in more youthful and attractive days, women of the town, and that several of their present dens are vile assignation houses ; and that a number of them are professed abortionists, who do as much perhaps in the way of child-murder as others whose names have been more prominently before the world ; and they will be astonished to learn that these chaste sibyls have an understood partnership with the keepers of houses of prostitution, and that the opportunities for a lucrative playing into each other's hands are con- stantly occurring.
The most terrible truth connected with this whole subject is the fact that the greater number of these female fortune-tellers are but doing their allotted part in a scheme by which, in this city, the wholesale
Explanatory Chapter. 21
seduction of ignorant, simple-hearted girls, in the lower walks of life, has been thoroughly systematized. The fortune-teller is the only one of the organization whose operations may be known to the public ; the other workers — the masculine go-betweens who lead the victims over the space intervening between her house and those of deeper shame — are kept out of sight and are unheard of. There is a straight path between these two points which is travelled every year by hundreds of betrayed young girls, who, but for the superstitious snares of the one, would never know the horrible realities of the other. The exact mode of proceeding adopted by these conspirators against virtue, the details of their plans, the various stratagems by which their victims are snared and led on to certain ruin, are not fit subjects for the present chapter ; but any individual who is disposed to pro- secute the inquiry for himself will find in the various police records much matter for his serious cogitation, and may there discover the exact direction in which to continue his investigations with the certainty of
22 The Witches of New York.
demonstrating these facts to his perfect satisfac- tion.
A few months ago, at the suggestion of the editor of one of the leading daily newspapers of America, a series of articles was written about the fortune- tellers of New York city, and these articles were in due time published in that journal, and attracted no little attention from its readers. These chapters, with such alterations as were requisite, and with many addi- tions, form the bulk of this present volume.
The work has been conscientiously done. Every one of the fortune-tellers described herein was per- sonally visited by the " Individual," and the predic- tions were carefully noted down at the time, word for word ; the descriptions of the necromantic ladies and their surroundings are accurate, and can be corrobo- rated by the hundreds who have gone over the same ground before and since. They were treated in the most fair and frank manner ; the same data as to time and date of birth, age, nationality, etc., were given in all cases, and the same questions were put to all, so
Explanatory Chapter. 23
that the absurd differences in their statements and pre- dictions result from the unmitigated humbug of their pretended art, and from no misinformation or mis- representation on the part of the seeker after mystic knowledge.
This latter person was perfectly unknown to the worthy ladies of the black art profession ; he was to them simply an individual, one of the many-headed public, a cash customer, who paid liberally for all he required, and who, by reason of the dollars he dis- bursed, was entitled to the very best witchcraft in the market.
And he got it.
He undertook a few short journeys in search of the marvellous ; he went on a couple of dozen voyages of discovery without going out of sight of home ; he penetrated to the out-of-the-way regions, where the two-and-sixpenny witches of our own time grow. He got his fill of the cheap prophecy of the day, and pro- cured of the oracles in person their oracularest say- ings, at the very highest market price. For the busi-
24 The Witches of New York.
ness-like seers of this age are easily moved to prophesy by the sight of current moneys of the land, no matter who presents the same ; whereas the oracles of the olden time dealt only with kings and princes, and nothing less than the affairs of an entire nation, or a whole territory, served to get their slow prophetic apparatus into working trim. To the necromancers of early days the anxieties of private individuals were as naught, and from the shekels of humble life they turned them contemptuously away.
It is probably a thorough conviction of the neces- sity of eating and drinking, and a constant contem- plation from a Penitentiary point of view of the con- sequences of so doing without paying therefor, that induces our modern witches to charge a specific sum for the exercise of their art, and to demand the inevitable dollar in advance.
Whatever there is of Sorcery, Astrology, Necro- mancy, Prophecy, Fortune-telling, and the Black Art generally, practised at this time by the professional Witches of New York, is here honestly set down.
Explanatory Chapter. 25
Should any other individual become particularly interested in the subject, and desire to go back of the present record and make his exploration personally among the Fortune-tellers, he will find their present addresses in the newspapers of the day, and can easily verify what is herein written.
With these remarks as to the intention of this book, the reader is referred by the Cash Customer to the succeeding chapters for further information. And the public will find in the advertisements, appended to the name and number of each mysteriously gifted lady, the pleasing assurance that she will be happy to see, not only the Cash Customer of the present writing, but also any and all other customers, equally cash, who are willing to pay the customary cash tribute.
CHAPTER II.
Is devoted to the glorification of Madame Prewster of No.
373 Bowery, the Pioneer Witch of New York.
The " Individual" also herein bears his
testimony that she is oily and
waterproof.
CHAPTER II.
MADAME PREWSTER, No. 373 BOWERY.
THIS woman is one of the most dangerous of all those in the city who are engaged in the swindling trade of Fortune Telling, and has been professionally known to the police and the public of New York for about fourteen years. The amount of evil she has accomplished in that time is incalculable, for she has been by no means idle, nor has she confined her atten- tion even to what mischief she could work by the exercise of her pretended magic, but if the authenticity of the records may be relied on, she has borne a principal part in other illicit transactions of a much more criminal nature. She has been engaged in the " Witch" business in this city for more years than has any other one whose name is now advertised to the public.
30 The Witches of New York.
If the history of her past life could be published, it would astound even this community, which is not wont to be startled out of its propriety by criminal development, for if justice were done, Madame Prew- ster would be at this time serving the State in the Penitentiary for her past misdoings ; but, in some of these affairs of hers, men of so much respectability and political influence have been implicated, that, having sure reliance on their counsel and assistance, the Madame may be regarded as secure from punish- ment, even should any of her many victims choose to bring her into court.
The quality of her Witchcraft, by which she osten- sibly lives, and the amount of faith to be reposed in her mystic predictions, may be seen from the history of a visit to her domicile, which is hereunto appended in the very words of the "Individual" who made it.
Madame Prewster, No. 373 Bowery. 31
The " Cash Customer" makes his first Voyage in a Shower, but encounters an Oily and Waterproof Witch at the end of his Journey.
It rained, and it meant to rain, and it set about it with a will.
It was as if some "Union Thunderstorm Com- pany" was just then paying its consolidated atten- tion to the city and county of New York; or, as if some enterprising Yankee of hydraulic tenden- cies, had contracted for a second deluge and was hurrying up the job to get his money ; or, as if the clouds were working by the job ; or, as if the earth was receiving its rations of rain for the year in a solid lump ; or, as if the world had made a half-turn, leaving in the clouds the ocean and rivers, and those auxiliaries to navigation were scampering back 1 to their beds as fast as possible ; or, as if there had been a scrub-race to the earth between a score or more full-grown rain storms, and they were all com- ing in together, neck-and-neck, at full speed.
32 The Witches of New York.
Despite the juiciness of these opening sentences, the "Individual" does not propose to accompany the account of his heroical setting-forth on his first witch-journey with any inventory of natural scenery and phenomena, or with any interesting remarks on the wind and weather. Those who have a taste for that sort of thing will find in a modern circulating library, elaborate accounts of enough " dew-spangled grass" to make hay for an army of Nebuchadnezzars and a hundred troops of horse-^-of "bright-eyed daisies " and " modest violets," enough to fence all creation with a parti-colored hedge — of " early larks " and "sweet-singing nightingales," enough to make musical pot-pies and harmonious stews for twenty generations of Heliogabaluses ; to say nothing of the amount of twaddle we find in American sensation books about "hawthorn hedges" and " heather bells," and similar transatlantic luxuries that don't grow in America, and never did.
And then the sunrises we're treated to, and the sunsets we're crammed with, and the " golden clouds,"
Madame Prewster, No. 373 Bowery. 33
the "grand old woods," the "distant dim blue moun- tains," the "crystal lakes," the "limpid purling brooks," the "green-carpeted meadows," and the whole similar lot of affected bosh, is enough to shake the faith of a practical man in nature as a natural institution, and to make him vote her an artificial humbug.
So the voyager in pursuit of the marvellous, declines to state how high the thermometer rose or fell in the sun or in the shade, or whether the wind was east-by-north, or sou'-sou'-west by a little sou'.
The " dew on the grass " was not shining, for there was in his vicinity no dew and no grass, nor anything resembling those rural luxuries. Nor was it by any means at " early dawn ;" on the contrary, if there be such a commodity in a city as "dawn," either early or late, that article had been all disposed of several " hours in advance of the period at which this chapter begins.
But at midday he set forth alone to visit that pro- phetess of renown, Madame Prewster. He was fully
2*
34 The Witches of New York.
prepared to encounter whatever of the diabolical machinery of the black art might be put in operation to appal his unaccustomed soul.
But as he set forth from the respectable domicile where he takes his nightly roost, it rained, as afore- mentioned. The driving drops had nearly drowned the sunshine, and through the sickly light that still survived, everything looked dim and spectral. Un- earthly cars, drawn by ghostly horses, glided swiftly through the mist, the intangible apparitions which occupied the drivers' usual stands hailing passengers with hollow voices, and proffering, with impish finger and goblin wink, silent invitations to ride. Fantastic dogs sneaked out of sight round distant corners, or skulked miserably under phantom carts for an imagi- nary shelter. The rain enveloped everything with a grey veil, making all look unsubstantial and unreal ; the human unfortunates who were out in the storm appeared cloudy and unsolid, as if each man had sent his shadow out to do his work and kept his substance safe at home.
Madame Prewster, No. 373 Bowery. 35
The "Individual" travelled on foot, disdaining the miserable compromise of an hour's stew in a steam- ing car, or a prolonged shower-bath in a leaky omni- bus. Being of burly figure and determined spirit, he walked, knowing that his "too-solid flesh" would not be likely "to melt, thaw, and resolve itself into a dew," and firmly believing that he was not born to be drowned.
He carried no umbrella, preferring to stand up and fight it out with the storm face to face, and because he detested a contemptible sneaking subterfuge of an umbrella, pretending to keep him dry, and all the time surreptitiously leaking small streams down the back of his neck, and filling his pockets with indigo colored puddles; and because, also, an umbrella would no more have protected a man against that storm, than a gun-cotton overcoat would have availed against the storm of fire that scorched old Sodom.
He placed his trust in a huge pair of water-proof boots, and a felt hat that shed water like a duck. He thrust his arms up to his elbows into the capacious
36 The Witches of New York.
pockets of his coat, drew his head down into the turned-up collar of that said garment, like a boy- bothered mud-turtle, and marched on.
"With bowed head, set teeth, and sturdy step, the cash customer tramped along, astonishing the few pedestrians in the street by the energy and emphasis of his remarks in cases of collision, and attracting people to the windows to look at him as he splashed his way up the street. He minded them no more than he did the gentleman in the moon, but drove forward at his best speed, now breaking his shins over a dry- goods box, then knocking his head against a lamp- post ; now getting a great punch in the stomach from an unexpected umbrella, then involuntarily gauging the depth of some unseen puddle, and then getting out of soundings altogether in a muddy inland sea ; now swept almost off his feet by a sudden torrent of sufficient power to run a saw-mill, and only recover- ing himself to find that he was wrecked on the curb- stone of some side street that he didn't want to go to. At length, after a host of mishaps, including some
Madame Prewster, No. 373 Bowery. 37
interesting but unpleasant submarine explorations in an unusually large mud-hole into which he fell full- length, he arrived, soaked and savage, at the house of Madame Prewster.
This elderly and interesting lady has long been an oily pilgrim in this vale of tears. The oldest inha- bitant cannot remember the exact period when this truly great prophetess became a fixture in Gotham, and began to earn her bread and butter by fortune- telling and kindred occupations. Her unctuous coun- tenance and pinguid form are known to hundreds on whose visiting lists her name does not conspicuously appear, and to whom, in the way of business, she has made revelations which would astonish the unsuspect- ing and unbelieving world. She is neither exclusive nor select in her visitors. Whoever is willing to pay the price, in good money — a point on which her regu- lations are stringent — may have the benefit of her skill, as may be seen by her advertisement :
<; CARD. — Madame PREWSTER returns thanks to her friends and
38 The Witches of New York.
patrons, and begs to say that, after the thousands, both in this city and Philadelphia, who have consulted her with entire satis- faction, she feels confident that in the questions of astrology, love, and law matters, and books or oracles, as relied on con- stantly by Napoleon, she has no equal. She will tell the name of the future husband, and also the name of her visitors. No. 373 Bowery, between Fourth and Fifth streets."
The undaunted seeker after mystic lore rang a peal on the astonished door-bell that created an instanta- neous confusion of the startled inmates. There was a good deal of hustling about, and running hither, thi- ther, and to the other place, before any one appeared ; meantime, the dainty fingers of the damp customer performed other little solos on the daubed and sticky bell-pull, — and he also amused himself with inspection of, and comments on, the German-silver plate on the narrow panel, which bore the name of the illustrious female who occupied these domains.
At last the door was opened by a greasy girl, and the visitor was admitted to the hall, where he stood for a minute, like a fresh- water merman, "all dripping from the recent flood."
Madame Prewster, No. 373 Bowery. 39
The juvenile female who had admitted him thus far, evidently took him for a disreputable charac- ter, and stood prepared to prevent depredations. She planted herself firmly before him in the narrow hall in an attitude of self-defence, and squaring off scientifically, demanded his business. Astrology was mentioned, whereupon the threatening fists were low- ered, the saucy under-jaw was retracted, and the general air of pugnacity was subdued into a very suspicious demeanor, as if she thought he hadn't any money, and wanted to storm the castle under false pretences. She informed him that before matters went any further, he must buy tickets, which she was prepared to furnish, on receipt of a dollar and a half; he paid the money, which transaction seemed to raise him in her estimation to the level of a man who might safely be trusted where there was nothing he could steal. One fist she still kept loaded, ready to instantly repel any attack which might be sud- denly made by her designing enemy, the other hand cautiously departed petticoatward, and after groping
4O The Witches of New York.
•
about some time in a concealed pocket, produced from the mysterious depth a card, too dirty for description, on which these words were dimly visible :
-S MADAME PREWSTER <o
411 GRAND STREET.
The belligerent girl then led the way through a narrow hall, up two flights of stairs into a cold room, where she desired her visitor to be seated. She then carefully locked one or two doors leading into adjoin- ing rooms, put the keys in her pocket, and departed. Before her exit she made a sly demonstration with her fists and feet, as if she was disposed to break the truce, commence hostilities, and punch his unpro- tected head, without regard to the laws of honorable warfare. She departed, however, at last, without vio- lence, though the voyager could hear her pause on each landing, probably debating whether it wasn't
Madame Prewster, No. 373 Bowery. 41
best after all to go back and thrash him before the opportunity was lost for ever.
This grand reception-room was an apartment about six feet by eight; it was uncarpeted, and was lux- uriously furnished with six wooden chairs, one stove, with no spark of fire, one feeble table, one spittoon, and two coal-scuttles.
The view from the window was picturesque to a degree, being made up of cats, clothes-lines, chim- neys, and crockery, and occasionally, when the storm lifted, a low roof near by suggested stables. The odor which filled the air had at least the merit of being powerful, and those to whose noses it was grateful, could not complain that they did not get enough of it. Description must necessarily fall far short of the reality, but if the reader will endeavor to imagine a couple of oil-mills, a Peck-slip ferry-boat, a soap-and-candle manufactory, and three or four bone- boiling establishments being simmered together over a slow fire in his immediate vicinity, he may possibly arrive at a faint and distant notion of the greasy fra-
42 The Witches of New York.
grance in which the ahode of Madame Prewster is immersed.
For an hour and a half by the watch of the Cash Customer (which being a cheap article, and being alike insensible to the voice of reason and the persuasions of the watchmaker, would take its own time to do its work, and the long hands of which generally suc- ceeded in getting once round the dial in about eighty minutes) was .this too damp individual incarcerated in the room by the order of the implacable Madame Prewster.
He would long before the end of that time have forfeited his dollar and a half and beaten an inglorious retreat, but that he feared an ambuscade and a pitching-into at the fair hands of the warlike servant.
Finally, this last-named individual came to the rescue, and conducted him by a circuitous route, and with half-suppressed demonstrations of animosity, to the basement. This room was evidently the kitchen, and was fitted up with the customary iron and brazen apparatus.
Madame Prewster, No. 373 Bowery. 43
A feeble child, just old enough to run alone, had constructed a child's paradise in the lee of the cook- ing-stove, and was seated on a dinner-pot, with one foot in a saucepan; it had been playing on the wash-boiler like a drum, but was now engaged in decorating some loaves of unbaked bread with bits of charcoal and splinters from the broom.
The fighting servant retreated to the far end of the apartment, where she began to wash dishes with vin- dictive earnestness, stopping at short intervals to wave her dishcloth savagely as a challenge to instant single combat. There was nothing visible that savored of astrology or magic, unless some tin candlesticks with battered rims could be cabalistically construed.
Madame Prewster, the renowned, sat majestically in a Windsor rocking-chair, extra size, with a large pillow comfortably tucked in behind her illustrious and rheumatic back. Her prophetic feet rested on a wooden stool; her oracular neck was bound with a bright-colored shawl; her necromantic locomotive apparatus was incased in a great number of predic-
44 The Witches of New York.
tive petticoats, and her whole aspect was portentous. She is a woman- who may be of any age from 45 to 120, for her face is so oily that wrinkles won't stay in it ; they slip out and leave no trace. She is an unctuous woman, with plenty of material in her — enough, in fact, for two or three. She is adipose to a degree that makes her circumference problema- tical, and her weight a mere matter of conjecture. Moreover, one instantly feels that she is thoroughly water-proof, and is certain that if she could be induced to shed tears, she would weep lard oil.
Grim, grizzled, and stony-eyed, is this juicy old Sibyl ; and she glared fearfully on the hero with her fishy optics, until he wished he hadn't done anything.
She was evidently just out of bed, although it was long past noon, and when she yawned, which she did seven times a minute on a low average, the effect was gloomy and cavernous, and the timid delegate in search of the mysterious trembled in his boots.
At last, he with uncovered head and timid demeanor presented his card entitling him to twelve
Madame Prewster, No. 373 Bowery. 45
shillings' worth of witchcraft, and made an humble request to have it honored. He had previously, while pretending to warm himself at the stove, been occupied in making horrible grimaces at the baby, and then sketching it in his hat as it disfigured its own face by frantic screams; and he also took a quiet revenge on the pugnacious servant by making a picture of her in a fighting attitude, with one eye bunged and her jaw knocked round to her left ear.
When the ponderous Witch had got all ready for business, and had taken a very long greasy stare at her customer, as if she was making up her mind what sort of a customer on the whole he might be, she determined to begin her mighty magic. So she took up the cards, which were almost as greasy as she herself, and prepared for business, previously giving one most tremendous yawn, which opened her sacred jaws so wide that only a very narrow isthmus of hair behind her ears connected the top of her respected head with the back of her venerated neck.
46 The Witches of New York.
She then presented the cards for her customer to cut, and when he had accomplished that feat, which he did in some perturbation, she ran them carelessly over between her fingers, and began to speak very slowly, and without much thought of what she was about, as if it was a lesson she had learned by heart.
Each word slipped smoothly out from her fat lips as if it had been anointed with some patent lubrica- tor, and her speech was as follows : —
"You have seen much trouble, some of it in busi- ness, and some of it in love, but there are brighter days in store for you before long — you face up a let- ter— you face up love — you face up marriage — you face up a light-haired woman, with dark eyes, you think a great deal of her, and she thinks a great deal of you ; but then she faces up a dark complexioned man, which is bad for you — you must take care and look out for him, for he is trying to injure you — she likes you the best, but you must look out for the man — you face up better luck in business, you face a change in your business, but be careful, or it will not
I UNIV
Madame Prewster, No. 373 Bowery. 47
bring you much money — you do not face up a great deal of money."
(Here followed a huge yawn which again nearly left the top of her head an island.) Then she re sumed, " If you will tell me the number of letters in the lady's name, I will tell you what her name is."
This demand was unexpected, but her cool and collected customer replied at random, " Four." The she-Falstaff then referred to a book wherein was written a long list of names, of varying lengths from one syllable to six, and selecting the names with four letters, began to ask.
"Is it Emma?" "No." "Anna?" "No." "Ella?" "No?" "Jane?" "No." "Etta?" "No." "Lucy?" "No." "Cora?" "No." At last, finding that she would run through all the four-letter names in the language, and that he must eventually say some- thing, he agreed to let his "true love's" name be Mary. Then she continued her remarks : " You face up Mary, you love Mary ; Mary is a good girl. You will marry Mary at last ; but Mary is not now here
48 The Witches of New York.
—Mary is far away ; but do not fear, for you shall have Mary."
Then she proposed to tell the name of our reporter in the same mysterious manner, and on being told that it contains eight letters, the first of which is "M," she turned to her register and again began to read. It so happens that the proper names answering to the description are very few, and the right one did not happen to be on her list; so in a short time the greasy prophetess became confused, and slipped off the track entirely, and after asking about two hun- dred names of various dimensions, from Mark to Melchisedek, she gave it up in despair and glared on her twelve-shilling patron as if she thought he was trifling with her, and she would like to eat him up alive for his presumption.
Then she suddenly changed her mode of operation and made the fearful remark : " ISTow you may wish three wishes, and I will tell whether you will get them or not."
She then laid out the cards into three piles, and
Madame Prewster, No. 373 Bowery. 49
her visitor stated his wishes aloud, and received the gratifying information in three instalments, that he would live to be rich, to marry the light-haired maiden, and to effectually smash the dark-complex- ioned man.
Then she said : " You may now wish one wish in secret, and I will tell you whether you will get it." Our avaricious hero instantly wished for an enor- mous amount of ready money, which she kindly promised, but which he has not yet seen the color of.
He asked about his prospective wives and children, with unsatisfactory results. One wife and four chil- dren was, she said, the outside limit. At this juncture she began to wriggle uneasily in her chair, and her considerate patron respected her "rheumatics" and took his leave. This conference, although the re- sults may be read by a glib-tongued person in five minutes, occupied more than three-quarters of an hour — Madame Prewster's diction being slow and ponderous in proportion to her size.
He now prepared to depart, and with a parting
50 The Witches of New York.
contortion of his countenance, of terrible malignity, at the unfortunate baby, which caused that weird brat to fling itself flat on its back and scream in agony of fear, he informed the Madame with mock deference that he would not wait any longer. He was then attended to the door by the bellicose maiden, who seemed to have fathomed his deep dealings with the infuriate infant, and to be desirous of giving him bloody battle in the hall, but as he had remarked that she had a rolling-pin hidden under her apron, and as he was somewhat awed by the sanguinary look of her dish-cloth, he choked down his blood-thirstiness and ingloriously retreated.
CHAPTER III.
Wherein are related divers strange things of Madame Bruce,
the " Mysterious Veiled Lady," of No.
513 Broome Street.
CHAPTER III.
MADAME BRUCE, "THE MYSTERIOUS VEILED LADY," NO. 513 BROOME STREET.
THE woman who assumes the title of " The Myste- rious Yelled Lady," is much younger in the Black Art trade than Madame Prewster, and has only been publicly known as a "Fortune-Teller" for about six years. The mysterious veil is assumed partly for the very mystery's sake, and partly to hide a countenance which some of her visitors might desire to identify on after occasions. She confines herself more exclusively to telling fortunes than do many of the others, and has never yet made her appearance in a Police Court to answer to an accusation of a grave crime. She has many customers, and might have a respectable account at the bank if she were disposed to commit
54 The Witches of New York.
her moneys to the care of those careful institu- tions.
It may be mentioned here, however, as a curious fact, that although all the " witches " profess to be able to "tell lucky numbers," and will at any time give a paying customer the exact figures which they are wil- ling to prophesy will draw the capital prize in any given lottery, their skill invariably fails them when they undertake to do anything in the wheel-of-for- tune way on their own individual behalf. No one of the professional fortune-tellers was ever known to draw a rich prize in a lottery, or to make a particu- larly lucky " hit " on a policy number, notwithstand- ing the fact that most of them make large investments in those uncertain financial speculations. Madame Bruce is no exception to this general rule, and the propinquity of the " lottery agency " and the " policy- shop," just round the corner, must be accepted in explanation of the fact that this gifted lady has no balance in her favor at the banker's.
The quality of her magic and other interesting facts
Madame Bruce. 55
about her are best set forth in the words of the anxious seeker after hidden lore, who paid her a visit one pleasant afternoon in August.
The " Individual" visits Madame Bruce and has a Confer- ence with that Mysterious Veiled Personage.
A man of strong nerves can recover from the effects of a professional interview with the ponderous Prewster in about a week ; delicately organized per- sons, particularly susceptible to supernatural influ- ences, might be so overpowered by the manifestations oT her cabalistic lore as to affect their appetites for a whole lunar month, and have bad dreams till the moon changed ; but the daring traveller of this vera- cious history was convalescent in ten days. It is true, that, even after that time, he, in his dreams, would imagine himself engaged in protracted single combats with the heroine of the rolling-pin, and once or twice awoke in an agony of fear, under the impression that he had been worsted in the fight, and that the conquering fair one was about to cook him in a steamer, or stew
56 The Witches of New York.
him into charity soup, and season him strong with red pepper ; or broil him on a gridiron and serve him up on toast to Madame Prewster, like a huge woodcock. In one gastronomic nightmare of a dream he even fancied that the triumphant maiden had tied him, hand and foot, with links of sausages, then tapped his head with an auger, screwed a brass faucet into his help- less skull, and was preparing to draw off his brains in small quantities to suit cannibalic retail customers.
But he eventually recovered his equanimity, his nocturnal visions of the warlike servant became less terrible, and he gradually ceased to think of her, ex- cept with a dim sort of half-way remembrance, as of some fearful danger, from which many years before he had been miraculously preserved.
"When he had reached this state of mind, he was ready to proceed with his inquiries into the mysteries of the cheap and nasty necromancy of the day, and to encounter the rest of the fifty-cent Sj^bils with an unperturbed spirit. Accordingly, he girded up his loins, and prepared the necessary amount of one dol-
Madame Bruce. 57
lar bills ; for, with a most politic and necessary care- fulness, he always made his own change.
[Note of caution to the future observer of these Modern Witches: Never let one of them "break" a large bank-bill for you, and give you small notes in exchange, lest the small bills be much more badly broken than the large one. Not that the witches' money, like the fairies' gold, will be likely to turn into chips and pebbles in your pocket, but all these fortune-tellers are expert passers of counterfeit and broken bank-notes and bogus coin ; and they never lose an opportunity thus to victimize a customer.]
Fortified with dinner, dessert, and cigars, the cash customer departed on his voyage of discovery in search of " MADAME BRUCE, THE MYSTERIOUS VEILED LADY," who carries on all the business she can get by the subjoined advertisement :
" ASTONISHING TO ALL. — Madame BRUCE, the Mysterious Yelled Lady, can be consulted on all events of life, at No. 513 Broome st., one door from Thompson. She is a second-sight seer, and was born with a natural gift."
58 The Witches of New York.
The " Individual," modestly speaking of himself in the third person, admits that, being then a single man of some respectability, he was at that very period looking out for a profitable partner of his bosom, sor- rows, joys, and expenses. He naturally preferred one who could do something towards taking a share of the expensive responsibility of a family off his hands, and was not disposed to object to one who was even afflicted with money ; — next to that woman, whom he had not yet discovered, a lady with a " natural gift " for money-making was evidently the most eligible of matrimonial speculations. Whether he really cher- ished an humble hope that the veil of Madame Bruce might be of semi-transparent stuff, and that she might discover and be smitten by his manly.charms, and ask his hand in marriage, and eventually bear him away, a blushing husband, to the altar, or whatever might be hastily substituted for that connubial convenience, will never be officially known to the world. Certain it is that he expected great results of some sort to eventuate from his visit to this obnubilated prophetess,
Madame Bruce. 59
and that he paid extraordinary attention to the deco- ration of the external homo, and to the administration of encouraging stimuli to the inner individual, proba- bly with a view to submerge, for the time, his charac- teristic bashfulness, before he set out to visit the fair inscrutable of Broome-street.
The nature of his secret cogitations, as he walked along, was somewhat as follows, though he himself has never before revealed the same to mortal man.
He was of course uncertain as to her personal attractiveness ; owing to that mysterious veil there was a doubt as to her surpassing beauty. At any rate he did not regret the time spent on his toilet.
Madame Bruce might be a lady of the most trans- cendent loveliness, or she might possess a coun- tenance after the style of Mokanna, the Yeiled Pro- phet ; in either case, a clean shirt collar and a little extra polish on the boots would be a touching tribute of respect He thought over the stories of the Ori- ental ladies, so charmingly and complexly described in the " Arabian Nights' Entertainments," and in
60 The Witches of New York.
some strange way he connected Madame Bruce with Eastern associations ; he remembered that in Asiatic countries the arts of enchantment are the staple of fashionable female education ; that the women imbibe the elements of magic from their wet nurses, and that their power of charming is gradually and surely de- veloped by years and competent instructors, until they are able to go forth into the world, and raise the devil on their own hook.
In this case the veil was of the East, Eastern ; and what was more probable than that the " Mysterious Yeiled Lady" was that fascinating Oriental young woman whose attainments in magic made her the dire terror of her enemies, most of whom she changed into pigs, and oxen, and monkeys, and other useful domes- tic animals ; who had transformed her unruly grand- father into a cat of the species called Tom ; had meta- morphosed her vicious aunt into a screech-owl, and had turned an ungentlemanly second-cousin into a one-eyed donkey.
What a treasure, thought the " Individual," would
Madame Bruce- 61
such an accomplished wife be in republican America, — how exceedingly useful in the case of her hus- band's rivals for Custom-house honors, and how in- valuable when creditors become clamorous. "What a perfect treasure would a wife be who could turn a clamorous butcher into spring lamb, and his brown apron and leather breeches into the indispensable peas and mint-sauce to eat him with ; who could make the rascally baker instantly become a green parrot with only power to say, " Pretty Polly wants a cracker ;" who could transform the dunning tailor into a greater goose than any in his own shop ; who could go to Stewart's, buy a couple of thousands of dollars' worth of goods, and then turn the clerks into cockroaches, and scrunch them with her little gaiter if they inter- fered with her walking off with the plunder ; or who, in the event of a scarcity of money, could invite a select party of fifty or sixty friends to a nice little dinner, and then change the whole lot into lions, tigers, giraffes, elephants, and ostriches, and sell the entire batch to Yan Amburgh & Co. at a high pre-
62 The Witches of New York.
mium, as a freshly imported menagerie, all very fat and valuable.
Then he came down from this rather elevated flight of fancy, and filled away on another tack. Before he reached the house he had fully made up his mind that Madame Bruce, the Mysterious Veiled Lady, must be a stray Oriental Princess in reduced circum- stances, cruelly thrust from the paternal mansion by the infuriated proprietor, her father, and compelled to seek her fortune in a strange land. He had never seen a princess, and he resolved to treat this one with all respect and loyal veneration ; to do this, if possi- ble, without compromising his conscience as a repub- lican and a voter in the tenth ward, — but to do it at all hazards.
The immense fortune which would undoubtedly be hers in the event of the relenting of her brutal though opulent father, suggested the feasibility of a future elopement, and a legal marriage, according to the forms of any country that she preferred — he couldn't bethink him of a Persian justice of the peace, but he
Madame Bruce. 63
did not despair of being able to manage it to her entire and perfect satisfaction.
Her undoubted great misfortunes had touched his tender heart. He would see this suffering Princess — he would tender his sympathy and offer his hand and the fortune he hoped she would be able to make for him. If this was haughtily declined there would still remain the poor privilege of buying a dose of magic, paying the price in current money, and letting her make her own change.
Having matured this disinterested resolve, he pro- ceeded calmly on his journey, wondering as he walked along, whether, in the event of a gracious reception by his Princess, it would be more courtly and correct to kneel on both knees, or to make an Oriental cushion of his overcoat and sit down cross-legged on the floor.
This knotty point was not settled to his entire satisfaction when he reached that lovely portion of fairy-land near the angle of Broome and Thompson streets. The Princess had taken up her temporary residence in the tenant-house No. 513 Broome,
64 The Witches of New York.
which elegant mansion affords a refuge to about seventeen other families, mostly Hibernian, without very high pretensions to aristocracy.
His ring at the door of the noble mansion was answered by a grizzly woman speaking French very badly broken, in fact irreparably fractured. This grizzly Gaul let him into the house, heard his request to see Madame Bruce, and then she called to a shock- headed boy who was looking over the bannisters, to come and take the visitor in charge.
Two minutes' observation convinced the distin- guished caller that the servants of the Princess were not particular in the matter of dirt.
The walls were stained, discolored, and bedaubed, and the floor had a sufficient thickness of soil for a vegetable garden ; at one end of the hall, indeed, an Irish woman was on her knees, making experimental excavations, possibly with a view to planting early lettuce and peppergrass.
A glance at the shock-headed boy showed a peculiarity in his visual organs; his eyes, which
Madame Bruce. 65
were black naturally, had evidently suffered in some kind of a fisticuff demonstration, and one of them still showed the marks ; it was twice black, naturally and artificially ; it had a dual nigritude, and might, perhaps, be called a double-barrelled black eye. This pleasant young man conducted his visitor to the top of the first flight of stairs, where he said, " Please stop here a minute," and disappeared into the Prin- cess's room, leaving her devoted slave alone in the hall with two aged wash-tubs and a battered broom. There ensued an immediate flurry in the rooms of the Princess, and the customer thought of the forty black slaves, with jars of jewels on their heads, who, in Oriental countries, are in the habit of receiving princesses' visitors with all the honors. He hardly thought to see the forty black slaves, with the jars of gems, but rather expected the shock-headed youth to presently reappear, with a mug of rubies, or a kettle of sapphires and emeralds, and invite him in courtly language to help himself to a few — or, that that active young man would presently come out with
66 The Witches of New York.
an amethyst snuff-box full of diamond-dust and ask him to take a pinch, and then present him with that expensive article as a slight token of respect from the Princess.
" Not so, not so, my child."
The great shuffling and pitching about of things continued, as if the furniture had been indulging in an extemporaneous jig, and couldn't stop on so short a notice, or else objected to any interruption of the festivities.
Finally the rattling of chairs and tables subsided into a calm, and the boy reappeared. He came, how- ever, without the tea-kettle full of valuables, and minus even the snuff-box ; he merely remarked, with an insinuating wink of the lightest-colored eye, " Please to walk this way."
It did please his auditor to walk in the designated direction, and he entered the room, when the eye spoke again to a very low accompaniment of the voice, as if he was afraid he might damage that organ by playing on it too loudly.
Madame Bruce. 67
The anxious visitor looked for the Princess, but not seeing her, or the slaves with the pots of jewels, - and observing, also, that the chairs were not too luxu- riously gorgeous for people to sit on, he sat down.
A single glance convinced him that the Princess could have had no opportunity to carry off her jewels from her eastern home, or that she must have spent the proceeds before she furnished her present domi- cile. An iron bedstead, a small cooking-stove, four chairs, and a table, on which the breakfast crockery stood unwashed, was the amount of the furniture. A dirty slatternly young woman of about twenty-three years, with filthy hands and uncombed hair, and whose clothes looked as if they had been tossed on with a pitchfork, seated herself in one of the chairs and com- menced conversation — not in Persian. It was one o'clock, P.M., but she attempted an apology for the unmade bed, the unswept room, the unwashed break- fast dishes, and the untidy appearance of everything. Before she had concluded her fruitless explanation, the boy with the variegated eye suddenly came from
68 The Witches of New York.
a closet which the customer had not noticed and was •unprepared for, and said, in winning tones, " Please to walk in this room," which was done, with some fear and no little trembling, whereupon the optical youth incontinently vanished.
At last, then, the imaginative visitor stood in the presence of royalty, and beheld the wronged Princess of his heart. He was about to drop on his bended knees to pay his premeditated homage, but a hurried glance at the floor showed that such a course of pro- ceeding would result in the ineffaceable soiling of his best pantaloons ; so he stood sturdily erect.
Before he suffered his eyes to rest upon the peerless beauty who, he was convinced, stood before him, he took a survey of the regal apartment.
An unpainted pine table stood in the corner, a gau- dily colored shade was at the window, and an iron single bedstead upon which the clothes had been has- tily " spread up," and two chairs, on one of which sat the enchantress, completed the list.
The Princess was attired in deep black, and a thick
Madame Bruce. 69
black veil, reaching from lier head to her waist, en- ijrely concealed her features from the beholders who still devoutly believed in her royal birth and cruel misfortunes — nor was this belief dissipated until she spoke; but when she called "Pete" to the double- barrelled youth with the eye, and gave him a " blow- ing up" in the most emphatic kind of English for not bringing her pocket-handkerchief, then the beautiful Princess of his imagination vanished into the thin- nest kind of air, and there remained only the unro- mantic reality of a very vulgar woman, in a very dirty dress, and who had a very bad cold in her head. There was still a hope that she might be pretty, and her would-be admirer fervently trusted that she might be compelled to lift her veil to blow her nose, but she didn't do it. Then he offered her his hand, not in marriage, but for her to read his fortune in, and stood, no longer trembling with expectation, but with stony indifference, for as he approached her, a strong odor of an onion-laden breath from beneath the veil, gave the death-blow to the fair creature of his imagination,
70 The Witches of New York.
and convinced him that he had got the wrong — Princess by the fist. She looked at him closely for a couple of minutes, and then spoke these words — the peculiar pronunciation being probably induced by the cold in her head.
" You are a badd who has saw a great beddy chad- ges add it seebs here as if you was goidg to be bore settled in the future — it seebs here like as if you had sobetibes in your life beed very buch cast dowd, but it seebs here like as if you had always got up agaid. — It seebs here like as if you had saw id your past life sobe lady what you liked very buch add had* beed disappointed — it seebs here like as if there was two barriages for you, wud id a very short tibe — wud lady seebs here to stadd very dear to you, add you two bay be barried or you bay dot — if you are dot already barried you will be very sood — it seebs here as if you woulddt have a very large fabily — five childred will be all that you will have — you will have a good deal of buddy (money) id your life — sobe of your relatives what you dever have saw will sood die add leave you
Madame Bruce. 71
sobe property — but you will dot be expectidg it add ituseebs here as if you would have trouble id getting it, for there will sobe wud else try to get it away frob you — it seebs as if the lady you will barry will dot be too dark cobplexiod, dor yet too light — dot too tall, dor yet very short, dot too large, dor too thid — she thidks a great deal of you, bore thad you do of her, — • you have already saw her id the course of your life, and she loves you very buch. There are people about you id your busidess who are dot so buch your friends as they preted to be — you are goidg to bake sub chadge* id your busidess, it will be a good thidg for you add will cub out buch better thad you expect."
Here she stopped and intimated that she would an- swer any questions that her customer desired to ask, and in reply to his interrogatories the following im- portant information was elicited :
" You will be lodg lived, add you will have two wives, add will live beddy years with your first wife."
The " Individual" proclaimed himself satisfied, and paid his money, whereupon Madame Bruce instantly
72 The Witches of New York.
jelled "Pete," when the Eye-Boy reappeared to show the door, and the Cash Customer departed, leaving the Mysterious Veiled Lady shivering on her stool, and exceedingly desirous of an opportunity to use her pocket-handkerchief.
And this is all there was of the Persian Princess. As the seeker after wisdom went away he made one single audible remark by way of consoling himself for his crushed hopes and blighted anonymous love. It was to this effect. " I believe she squints, and I know she's got bad teeth."
CHAPTER IV.
Relates the marvellous performances of" Madame Widger,
of No. 3, First Avenue, and how she looks
into the future through a Paving-Stone.
CHAPTER IV.
MADAME WIDGER, No. 3 FIRST AVENUE.
MADAME WIDGER came from Albany to this city about four years ago, and at once set up as an "As- trologer." She has been a " witch" for a great many years, and has, directly and indirectly, done about as much mischief as it is possible for one person to accom- plish in the same length of time. She was a woman of great repute in and about Albany, as a fortune- teller, and was supposed to be conversant with prac- tices more criminal. She at last became so well known as a bad woman, that she found it advisable to leave Albany, after she had settled certain law-suits in which she had become entangled.
Among other speculations of hers, in that place, she once sued the city to recover indemnifying mo-
76 The Witches of New York.
neys for certain imaginary damages, alleged to have been done to her property by the unbidden entrance of the river into her private apartments, during one of the periodical inundations with which Albany is favored. By the shrewd management of certain of her lawyer friends with whom she had business deal- ings, she at last got a judgment against the city, but, owing to some other awkward law complications, it became expedient to change her place of residence before she had collected her money, and the amount remains unpaid to this day.
She then came to this city, and set up in the Sorce- ress way, and, by dint of advertising, she soon got a good many customers. She now has as much to do as she can easily manage to get along with, is making a good deal of money by "Astrology," and by other more unscrupulous means ; and she is probably worth some considerable property. She is a bold, brazen, ignorant, unscrupulous, dangerous woman. She has some peculiar ways of her own in telling the fortunes of her visitors, and is the only person in the city who
Madame Widger. 77
professes to read the future through a magic stone, or "second-sight pebble." Her manner of using this wonderful geological specimen is fully described here- after.
The "Individual" Visits a Grim Witch, who reads his Future through a Moderate-Sized Paving Stone.
Disappointed in his fond hope of discovering, in the person of Madame Bruce, an eligible partner, who should bridal him and lead him coyly to the altar, that bourne from which no bachelor returns, the Cash Customer was for many days downcast in his demeanor and neglectful of his person. When he eventually recovered from his strong attack of Madame Bruce, he was not by any means cured of his romantic desire to procure a witch wife. He had carefully figured up the conveniences of such an article, and the sum total was an irresistible argument.
If he could win a witch of the right sort, perhaps she could teach him the secret of the Philosopher's Stone, and the Elixir of Life, and show him the
78 The Witches of New York.
locality of the Fountain of Youth, so that he could take the wrinkles out of himself and his friends, at the cost of only a short journey, by railroad. A bar- rel or so of that wonderful water, peddled out by the bottle, would meet a readier sale and pay a larger profit than any Paphian Lotion that was ever adver- tised on the rocks of Jersey. All this, to say nothing of a family of young wizards and sorcerers, who could, by virtue of the maternal magic, swallow swords from the day of their birth, do mighty feats of legerdemain, such as cutting off the heads of innumerable pigs and chickens, and producing the decapitated animals alive again from the coat-tails of the bystanders, to the astonishment of the crowd and the great emolument of their proud dad. Even if these profitable babies should not be natural necromancers, with the power of second sight, and any quantity of " natural gifts," they must surely be spirit-rappers of the most lucra- tive "sphere," capable of organizing " circles," and instructing "mediums," and otherwise bringing into the family fund large piles of that circulating me-
Madame Widger. 79
dium so much to be desired. Or, even failing this popular gift, they must all be born with some strong instincts of money-making vagabondism. If the girls failed in fortune-telling they would certainly have a genius for the tight-rope, or a decided talent for the female circus and negro-minstrel business; and the boys would be brought into the world with the power of throwing a miraculous number of consecutive flip- flaps — of putting cocked hats on their juvenile heads while turning somersets over long rows of Arab steeds of the desert — of poising their infant bodies on pyramids of bottles, and drinking glasses of molasses and water, under the contemptible subterfuge of wine, to the health of the terror-stricken beholders — or of climbing to the tops of very tall poles without soiling their spangled dresses, and there displaying their anatomy for the admiration of the gazing multitude, in divers attitudes, for the most part extraordinarily wrong side up with very particular care — or, at least, they would be born with the astounding gift of tying their young legs in double bow-knots across the backs
8o The Witches of New York.
of their adolescent necks, and while in that graceful position kissing their little fingers to the bewildered audience.
Under the constant influence of such comfortable and ennobling thoughts, it is not in the elastic nature of the human mind to remain long dejected. In the contemplation of the future glories of his might-be wife and possible family, the "Individual" recovered somewhat of his former gaiety. Remembering that "Care killed a cat," he resolved that he would not be chronicled as a second victim, so he kicked Care out of doors, so to speak, and warned Despair and Dis- couragement off the premises.
He attired him in his best, and appeared once more before the world in the joyful garb of a man with Hope in his heart and money in his pantaloons. In fact, so radiant did he appear, that he might have been set down for a person who had just had a new main of joy laid on in his heart, and had turned the cocks of all the pipes, and let on the full head just to see how the new apparatus worked. Or, as if
Madame Widger. 81
he'd been in a shower-bath of good-nature, and come out dripping.
He also took kindly to that innocuous beverage, lager bier, which was a good sign in itself, inas- much as he had, for a few days, been drinking as many varieties of strong drinks, as if he'd been brought up on Professor Anderson's Inexhaustible Bottle, and had never overcome the influences of his infant education.
Seeking out a friend to whom he confided his hopes of a lucrative wife and a profitable progeny, the Cash Customer suggested that they proceed im- mediately in search of the fair enchantress who was to be his comfort and consolation, for the rest of his respectable life.
Being somewhat disgusted with the result of his visit to the witch with the romantic designation of the " Mysterious Veiled Lady," he had determined to seek out one on this occasion with the most com- mon-place and e very-day cognomen, in the whole
list. There being a Madame Widger in that delight-
4*
82 The Witches, of New York.
ful catalogue, of course Widger was the one selected. It is true, she sometimes advertised herself as the "Mysterious Spanish Lady," but in the judgment of the Individual, the Widger was too much for the Spanish and the mystery.
So Madame "Widger was resolved on. Her mo- dest advertisement is given, that the impartial reader may be brought to acknowledge that the induce- ments to wed the Widger were not of the common order.
"MADAME WIDGER, the Natural-Gifted Astrologist, Second- Sight Seer and Doctress, tells past, present, and future events ; love, courtship, marriage, absent friends, sickness; prescribes medicines for all diseases, property lost or stolen, at No. 3 First- av., near Houston-st"
The slight lack of perspicuity in this announce- ment seems to be a mysterious peculiarity, common to all the Fortune Tellers, as if they were all imbued with the same commendable contempt for all the rules of English grammar.
Madame Widger. 83
The voyager being attired in a captivating costume, and being also provided with pencils and paper to make a life-sketch, with a view to an expansive portrait of his enslaver, whose beauty was with him a foregone conclusion, set out with his faithful friend for the de- lightful locality mentioned in the advertisement, where the charming Circe, Widger, held her magic court.
He was not aware, at that time, that his intended bride was not a- blushing blooming maiden, but an ancient dame, whose very wrinkles date back into the eighteenth century. But of that hereafter.
Tic was determined to have her tell his "love, courtship, or marriage, absent friends, or sickness," and to insist that she should "prescribe medicines for property lost or stolen," according to the exact wording of the advertisement.
The doughty "Individual" trembled somewhat, with an undefined sensation of awe, as though some fearful ordeal was before him — to use his own elegant and forcible language, he felt as though he was going to encounter an earthquake with volcano trimmings.
84 The Witches of New York.
" It is the fluttering of new-born love in your manly bosom," remarked his companion.
" Well," was the reply, " if a baby love kicks so very like a horse of vicious propensities, a full-grown Cupid would be so unmanageable as to defy the very Karey and all his works."
Without any noteworthy adventure they kept on their way to the First Avenue, and in due time stood, awe-struck, before the mansion of the enchantress.
After the first impression had worn off, the scene was somewhat stripped of its mysteriousness, and assumed an aspect commonplace, not to say seedy. As soon as the sense of bewilderment with which they at first gazed upon the domicile of the mysterious damsel so favored of the fates, had passed away, they found themselves in a condition to make the obser- vations of the place and its surroundings that are detailed below.
The house, a three-story brick, seemed to have that architectural disease which is a perpetual epidemic among the tenant-houses of the city, and which makes
Madame Widger. 85
them look as if they had all been dipped in a strong solution of something that had taken the skin off. The paint was blistered and peeling off in flakes ; the blinds were hanging cornerwise by solitary hinges ; the shingles were starting from their places with a strange air of disquietude, as if some mighty hand had stroked them the wrong way ; the door-steps were shaky and crazy in the knees ; the door itself had a curious air of debility and emaciation, and the bell-knob was too weak to return to its place after it had feebly done its brazen duty. There was no door-plate, but on a bat- tered tin sign was blazoned, in fat letters, the mystic word " Widger." The Cash Customer rang the bell, not once merely, or twice, but continuously, in pur- suance of a dogma which he laid down as follows :
" It is a mistake to ever stop ringing till somebody comes. The feebler you ring, the more the servants think you're a dun, and therefore the more they don't come to let you in — but if you keep it up regularly they'll think you're a rich relation and will rush to the
rescue."
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So lie kept on, and the voice of the bell sharply clattered through the dismal old house, making as much noise as if it suddenly wakened a thousand echoes that had been locked up there for many years without the power to speak till now. If a timid ring denotes a dun, and a boisterous one a rich relation, then must the inhabitants of that cleanly suburb have been convinced that the present performer on the bell not only had no claims as a creditor on the people of the house, but was a rich California uncle, come to give each adult member of that happy family a gold mine or so, and to distribute a cart-load of diamonds among the children.
The door at last was opened by an uncertain old man with very weak eyes, who appeared to have, in a milder form, the same malady which afflicted the house ; perhaps he was a twin, and suffered from bro- therly sympathy — at any rate the dilapidating disease had touched him sorely ; its ravages were particularly noticeable, in the toes of his boots and the elbows of his coat. Violent remedies had evidently been ap-
Madame Widger. 87
plied in the latter case, but the patches were of differ- ent colors, and suggestive of the rag-bag; the boots were past hope of convalescence ; his shirt-collar was sunk under a greasy billow of a neckcloth, and only one slender string was visible to show where it had gone down ; the nether garment was a ragged wreck, that set a hundred tattered sails to every breeze, but was anchored fast at the shoulder with a single dis- reputable suspender.
Guided by this equivocal individual the two visitors entered a small shabbily furnished room, and be- stowed themselves in a couple of treacherous chairs, in pursuance of an imbecile invitation from the bat- tered old gentleman.
The anticipations of the enthusiastic lover again began to fall, and in five minutes his heart, which so lately was "burning with high hope," was so cold as to be uncomfortable.
On a seven-by-nine cooking-stove, which three pints of coal would have driven blazing crazy, stood a diminutive iron kettle, in which something was noisily
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stewing; the something may have been a decoction of magic herbs, or it may have been Madame Widger's dinner. A tumble-down trunk in a corner of the room did precarious duty for a chair ; a faded carpet hid the floor ; a cheap rocking-chair in the act of moulting its upholstery spread its luxurious arms invitingly near the dim window; and a table, on which a pack of German playing cards was coyly half concealed by a newspaper, a coal-hod, and a poker, completed the necessary furnishing of the apartment.
The ornaments are soon inventoried ; a certificate of membership of the New York State Agricultural Society, given at Albany to Mr. M. Gr. Bivins, hung in a cheap frame over the table. The other decora- tions were a few prints of high-colored saints, an engraving of a purple Virgin Mary with a pea-green child, and a picture of a blue Joseph being sold by yellow brethren to a crowd of scarlet merchants who were paying for him with money that looked like peppermint lozenges.
Madame Widger, the " Mysterious Spanish Lady,"
Madame Widger. 89
was not at first visible to the naked eye, but a loud, shrill, vicious voice, which made itself heard through the partition dividing the reception-room from some apartment as yet unexplored by them, directed the attention of her visitors to her exact locality.
She was "engaged" with another gentleman, said the knight of the ragged inexpressibles.
Had not what he had already seen of the mansion decidedly cooled the passion of the love-lorn cus- tomer, this intelligence would have been likely to rouse his ire against the interloping swain, and make him pant for vengeance and fistic damages to the other party ; but in his present confused state of mind he received this blow with philosophic indifference.
The old man subsided into a chair, and in a weak sort of way began to talk, evidently with some insane idea of pleasingly filling up the time until the pro- phetess should be disengaged. His conversation seemed to run to disasters, with a particular partiality to shipwrecks. He accordingly detailed, with won- derful exactness, the perils encountered by a certain
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canal-boat of his, " loaded principally with butter and cheese,'7 during a dangerous voyage from Albany to New York, and which was finally brought safely to a secure harbor by the power of the Widger, which circumstance had made him her slave for life.
The shrill voice then ceased, and the person to whom it had been addressed came forth. The lime on his blue jean garments, and the cloudy appearance of his boots, declared him to be something in the mason line. He deported himself with becoming reverence, and departed in apparent awe. He did not look like a dangerous rival, and he was not mo- lested.
A discreditable and disordered head now thrust itself out of the mysterious closet, opened its mouth, and the vicious voice said : "I will see you now, sir." The sighing swain, with a fluttering heart and unsteady steps, summoned his courage and entered the place, to him as mysterious as was Bluebeard's golden-keyed closet to his ninth wife. The first glance at Madame Widger at once scattered again all
Madame Widger. gi
liis dreams of love and of happiness with that potent and fearful female.
He encountered a cadaverous bony -looking woman, very tall, very old, though with hair still black ; with grey eyes, and false gleaming teeth. She was attired in calico; quality, ten cents a yard; appearance, dirty. Hardly was the door closed, when the vicious voice spitefully remarked, "Sit down, sir;" and a skinny finger pointed to a cane-bottomed chair. While seating himself and taking off his gloves, he took an observation.
The apartment was not large ; in an unfurnished state, a moderately -hooped belle might have stood in it without serious damage to her outskirts, but there would be little extra room for any enterprising adventurer to circumnavigate her. In one corner was a small pine light-stand, on which was a sceptical looking Bible, with a very black brass key tied in it ; a volume of Cowper bound in full calf; a little lamp with a single lighted wick, and a pile of the Madame's business handbills.
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She at once showed her experience of human nature and her distrust of her present visitor by her practical and matter-of-fact conduct.
She sat uncomfortably down on the very edge of an angular chair, folded her hands, shut herself half up like a jack-knife, and the vicious voice mentioned this fearful fact : " My terms are a dollar for gentle- men;" and the grey eyes stonily stared until the dollar aforesaid was produced.
The voice then prepared for business by sun- dry "Ahems!" and when fairly in working order it proceeded: "Give me your hand — your left hand."
The Widger took the extended palm in her shri- velled fingers andmade four rapid dabs in the middle of it with the forefinger of her other hand, as if she were scornfully pointing out defects in its workmanship ; then she opened the drawer of the little stand with a spiteful jerk, and withdrew thence something which she put to her sinister optic, and began rapidly screw- ing it round v/ith both hands, as if she had got water
Madame Widger. 93
on the brain and was trying to tap herself in the eye.
Then the vicious voice began, in a loud mechanical manner, to speak with the greatest volubility, running the sentences together, and not thinking of a comma or a period till her breath was exhausted, in a man- ner that would have fairly distanced Susan Nipper herself, even if that rapid young lady had twenty seconds the start.
" I see by looking in this stone that you was born under two planets one is the planet Mars you will die under the planet Jupiter but it won't be this year or next you have seen a great deal of trouble and misfor- tune in your past life but better days are surely in store for you you have passed through many things which if written in a book would make a most interesting volume I see by looking more closely in the stone that you are about to receive two letters one a business letter the other a let — "
Here her breath failed, and as soon as it came back the voice continued —
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" ter from a friend it is written very closely and is crossed I see by looking more closely in the stone that one of the letters will contain news which will distress you exceedingly for a little while but you need not be troubled for it will all be for your good you are soon to have an interview with a man of light hair and blue eyes who will profess great interest in you but he will get the advantage of you if he can you must beware of him I see by kok'ng more closely in the stone that you will live to be 68 years old but you will die before you are 70." Here was another station where the locomotive voice stopped to take in air, and then instantly dashed ahead at a greater speed than ever. "I see by looking more closely in the stone that good luck will befall you a near friend will die and leave you a fortune I see by looking more closely in the stone that this will happen to you when you are between 32 and 34 years old that is all I see in this stone."
Another grab brought from the little drawer
Madame Widger. 95
another pebble, which the Madame placed at her eye, the boring operation was recommenced, and the vicious voice once more got up steam.
" I see by looking closely in this stone that you will have two wives one will be blue-eyed and the other will be black-eyed with the first one you will not live long but with the last one you will be happy many years I see by looking more closely in the stone that you will have six children which will be very com- fortable the lady who is to be your first wife is at this moment thinking of you I see by looking more closely in the stone that a man with light hair and blue eyes is trying to get her away from you but she scorns him and turns away I see by looking more closely in the stone that she has a strong feeling for you you need not fear the man with light hair and blue eyes for you will get her you and you only will possess her heart I see by looking more closely in the stone that she is good gentle kind loving affectionate true-hearted and pleasant
(The vicious voice resented each one of these good-
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natured adjectives, as if it had been a gross personal insult to the Widger, and spit them spitefully at her trembling customer, as if they tasted badly in her mouth.)
" and will make you a good wife ; you will be rich and happy you will be successful in business you will be hereafter always lucky you will be distin- guished you will be eminent you will be good you will be respected you will be beloved honored che- rished and will reach a good old age I see by looking in this stone — that is all I see by looking in this stone."
Here she ceased, and choking down her indig- nation, which had risen to a fearful pitch dur- ing the complimentary peroration, she said, taking up the equivocal Bible with the key tied in it, "Take hold of the key with your finger, I will give you one wish, if the book turns round you will have your wish." The guest took the key in the required manner, and the "Widger closed her eyes and muttered something which may have been either
Madame Widger. 97
a prayer or a recipe for pickling red cabbage, for lie was unable to satisfy himself with any degree of certainty what it was; at the appointed time the book turned and the wish was therefore graciously granted.
Her hearer smiled his grimmest smile, and ventured to inquire if his unknown rival was making any pro- gress in securing the affections of the lady in dispute, and received the satisfying answer, "She scorns him and turns away." Reassured by this, the susceptible individual mentally and fiercely defied the blue-eyed intruder to do his worst, and with a reverential obei- sance left the presence. As he departed, the skinny hand presented him with a handbill, but the vicious voice was silent.
Carefully conning the handbill as they slowly departed from the august realm of the Madame, the seekers of magic for the lowest cash price read the following particulars :
" Madame Widger was born with this wonderful gift of revealing the destinies of man, and she has revealed mysteries
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that no mortal knew. She states that she advertises nothing but what she can do with entire satisfaction to all who wish to consult her.
" Also, she will scan aright, Dreams and visions of the night."
The tender inquirer went away in a desponding mood. The Widger was out of the question as a bride, "for she was old enough," he said, "to have been grandmother to his father's uncle."
CHAPTER V.
Discourses of Mrs. Pugh, of No. 102 South First Street,
Williamsburgh, and tells all that Nursing Sorceress
communicated to her Cash Customer.
CHAPTER V.
MRS. PUGH, No. 102 SOUTH FIRST STREET, WILLIAMSBURGH.
IT is travelling a little away from home to go to Williamsburgh in search of a witch, but there are some peculiar circumstances about the present case, that give it more than common interest. Mrs. Pugh is not an advertising sorceress, but practises all her magic slily, and generally under a promise of se- cresy, which is exacted lest the fame of her fortune- telling should come to the ears of certain respectable families, who employ her as a nurse. She is much resorted to by a number of young persons of both sexes, and has considerable notoriety among the low and ignorant classes as a practiser of the black art. She is by no means the only "nurse" who is given
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to this reprehensible practice, hut very many of the old women who officiate as professional nurses are proficients in telling fortunes with cards, and with the Bible and key, and are always glad of an oppor- tunity to exhibit their pretended skill. Being at times received into families where there are daugh- ters, not grown up, they become most dangerous persons if they are encouraged or permitted to thus practise on the credulity of these young girls.
The mere encouragement of hurtful superstitious notions is a great ill in itself, but is by no means the extent of the evil done by some of these persons. They not unfrequently take an active part in bringing about meetings between unsuspecting girls and evil- disposed men, thus paving the way to the wretched- ness and ruin of the former. More than one instance is known, where the going astray of a loved daugh- ter can be traced directly to the mischievous teach- ings of a fortune -telling nurse.
These are the reasons that give the case of Mrs.
Mrs. Pugh. 103
Pugh an importance greater than attaches to many others.
It is right that people should know that a certain degree of circumspection ought to be used, with regard to moral character, as well as other quali- fications, in the selection of a nurse, lest a person be employed who will work irreparable mischief among the younger members of the family.
The Individual calls on a Nursing Sorceress.
Who shall say that broom-stick locomotion is a lost art, and that steam has superseded magic in the matter of travelling? Because no one of us has ever encountered a witch on her basswood steed, shall we presume to assert that witches no longer bestride bass- wood steeds and make their nocturnal excursions to blasted heaths, there to meet the devil in the social midnight orgie, and kick up their withered heels in the gay diabolical dance with other ancient females of like kidney with themselves ? Because no one of us has ever beheld with his own personal optics, an
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old woman change herself into a black cat, shall we therefore assert that the ancient dames of our own day are unable to accomplish that feline transforma- tion? "Not by no manner of means whatsomdever," as Mr. Weller would remark.
Let us not then be found without charity for the peculiar and persistent faith of the hero of this book, who, though thrice bitterly disappointed in his matri- monial speculations among the witches, still clung to the fond belief that a bride with supernatural powers of doing things would be a splendid specula- tion, and that such a spouse could be found if he, her ardent lover, did not give up the chase too soon. Spite of his disappointment with Madame Bruce, and his crushing discomfiture with Madame Widger, Hope still sprang eternal in the "Individual's" breast, and he felt, like the immortal Mr. Brown of classic verse, that it would " never do to give it up so."
He had something of a natural turn for mechanics, and having been of late engaged in some entertaining
Mrs. Pugh. 105
speculations on steam engines, he came not unnatu- rally to think of the wonderful advantage the magi- cally-endowed people of old had over the present age in the matter of locomotion. He thought of that wonderful carpet on which a jolly little party had but to seat themselves and wish to be transported to any far-off spot, and presto! change! there they were instanter. No collisions to be feared; no running off the track at a speed of ever-so-many unaccounta- ble miles an hour; no cast-iron-voiced conductor at short intervals demanding tickets; no old women with sour babies; no obtrusive boys with double- priced books and magazines; no other boys with peanuts, apples, and pop-corn ; nothing, in fact, save one's own social circle but a civil genie, not of Irish extraction, to fly alongside to mix the juleps and carry the morning paper.
It was very natural to consider whether there wasn't a yard or two left somewhere of that valuable carpet, and to regret that on the whole probably the
original owners had occasion to use the entire piece.
5*
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Then the thought was very naturally suggested of the marvellous wooden horse with the pegs in his neck, who soared with his riders a great deal higher than does Mr. Wise in his clumsy balloon, and always came down a great deal easier than ever Mr. Wise did yet. Of course the Cash Customer was from the start perfectly convinced that that breed of horses is long since extinct, so long ago that no record of them is now to be found in either the " American Kacing Calendar," or the "English Stud Book."
Then very naturally came thoughts of the broom- stick changes of the more modern witches. Perhaps, he thought, these are the colts of the wooden horse, degenerate, it is true, and lacking in the grace and symmetry of their extraordinary sire, but still per- haps not inferior in speed or in safety of carriage.
The thought was a brilliant one, and it was really worth while to inquire into the matter and pursue this phantom steed until he was fairly hunted down and bridled ready for use.
Mrs. Pugh. 107
It needed no long cogitation or extended argument to convince Johannes, the "Individual," the Cash Customer, of the immense practical value of such a steed, to say nothing of his costing nothing to keep, and of its therefore being utterly impossible for him to aeat his own head off," and of his never growing old, and of his never having any of the multitudinous diseases that afflict ordinary horses without any inter- mixture of magic blood, and therefore of it being out of the question for anybody to cheat his owner in a horse-trade.
Why, only think of his value for livery purposes in case his happy proprietor was disposed to let other folks use him for a proper compensation. He could of course be trained to carry double, and no doubt Mr. Rarey, or some other person potent in horse education, could easily break him to go in harness.
It wasn't likely, Johannes cogitated, that the judges would allow him to enter his ligneous racer at the Fashion Course, so that he'd not get a chance
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to win any money from Lancet and Flora Temple, still there was a hope, even on that point.
So, in search of the witch wife, whose dower should be the broomstick horse, that should set the fond couple up in business, started the sanguine lover.
Having had some experience of New York for- tune-tellers and others in the magic line, and not thinking they were of the sort likely to have so great a treasure, he started for the suburbs, and crossed the ferry to Williamsburgh, in order to pay a visit of inquiry, and if possible to take the initiatory step in courting Mrs. Pugh, of No. 102 South First Street, in that city.
He designed, of course, to buy a "fortune" at a liberal price, for the purpose of setting the lady in good-humor as a necessary preliminary step. He really had hopes that she would prove to be of a slightly different style from some of the New York fortune-tellers, who seem to have mistaken their profession and to be hardly up to reading the stars
Mrs. Pugh. 109
with success, although they might be fully equal to all the financial exigencies of an apple and peanut stand, or might win an honorable distinction crying "radishes and lettuce" in the early morning hours; or upon trial, might, perhaps, evince a decided genius for the rag-picking business, or preside over the for- tunes of a soap-fat cart with distinguished ability.
Threading the winding ways of Williamsburgh is by no means an easy task for one unaccustomed, and it was only by incessantly stopping the passers-by and making the most minute inquiries that this lady was ever achieved at all.
This constant questioning of the public revealed, however, the fact that Mrs. Pugh does not by any means depend upon her fortune-telling for her bread- and-butter; she is a nurse, as many a Williamsburgh baby could testify if it could command its emotions long enough to speak/' What will be the influence of her supernaturalism and witchcraft upon the chil- dren intrusted to her fostering care — whether they will in after life prove to be devils, demi-gods, heroes,
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or mere ordinary "humans," time alone can show. This illustrious lady does not advertise in the news- papers ; in fact, her fortune-telling is done on the sly, as if she were yet an apprentice, and a little ashamed of her bungling jobs, for which, by the way, she only charges half price. She is in a very undecided state, and evidently undetermined whether her proper vocation is tending babies or revealing the decrees of the fates at twenty-five cents a head, and when her visitors made their appearance she was puzzled to know whether their business was baby or black art.
Her exertions in either profession have not as yet gained her a very large fortune, judging from the surroundings of her eligible residence.
The domicile of this chrysalis enchantress is a low frame house of two stories, standing back from the street, directly in the rear of another row of more pretentious mansions, as if it had been sent into the back yard in disgrace and never permitted to show itself in good society again. It seems conscious of its humiliation, and wears an air of architectural
Mrs. Pugh. 1 1 1
dejection that is quite touching. A troop of dirty- faced children was in the yard, and in the corner was a pile of other household incumbrances, consist- ing principally of mops and washtubs.
Johannes critically examined this interesting col- lection, but the wished-for broomstick was not there. A modest rap brought to the door a large ill-favored man with a red nose and a ponderous pair of boots, whose speciality seemed to be drinking whatever spirituous liquors were consumed about the esta- blishment.
Having passed this shirt-sleeved sentinel without damage, though not without fear, the Cash Customer sat down to take an observation.
The wooden courser was not to be seen at first glance. The room was a small irregularly -shaped one, with an intrusive chimney jutting out into the floor from one side, as if it were a sturdy brick-and- mortar poor relation of the premises come a visiting and not to be got rid of at any price. A small cook- ing stove was in the fireplace, with an attendant on
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either side in the shape of a battered coal-scuttle, and a small saucepan full of charcoal ; the floor was co- vered with a dirty rag carpet that had long since out- lived its beauty and its usefulness, and was now in the last extremity of a tattered old age ; half-a-dozen chairs of different patterns, all much shattered in health and enfeebled by long years of labor, and a decrepit lounge in the last stages of a decline, were the seats reserved for visitors ; the other furniture of the room was an antique chest of drawers of a most curious and complicated pattern — it seemed as if the mechanic had been uncertain whether he was to con- struct a bureau or a cow-shed, and had accordingly satisfied his conscience by making half-a-dozen drawers and building a sloping roof over them ; the joints were warped apart, and through the chinks could be seen fragments of clean shirt, and ends of lace, and bits of flannel, suggesting babies. At a wink from the female, the male with the ponderous boots retired from the presence.
Mrs. Pugh is a woman of medium height and size,
Mrs. Pugh. 113
with a clear grey eye, and light hair, and wearing that sycophantic smile peculiar to people who have much to do with ugly babies whose beauty must be constantly praised to the doting parents. She was attired in a neat calico dress, constructed for family use, and for the particular accommodation of the younger members of the household.
Johannes, who had been taking a sly look, had made up his mind that she would not be quite so objectionable for a wife as he had feared, and he had fully resolved to woo and wed her off-hand, provided she had the broomstick of his hopes.
So, by way of a beginning, he announced that he would like her to exercise her magic powers in his behalf.
Mrs. Pugh had evidently previously regarded him as an enthusiastic young father with a pair of trouble- some twins, who had come to seek her ministrations, and she undoubtedly had high wages, innumerable presents, and exorbitant perquisites in her mind's eye at that instant.
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"When, however, she learned that her visitor merely wished to know what the fates had resolved to do about his particular case, she was slightly disappointed, for the babies are more profitable than the planets. However, she soon reconciled herself to her fate, and produced from some cranny immediately under the eaves of the cow-shed bureau, a pack of cards wrapped up in an old newspaper. She then carefully locked the door to keep out the children, and drew down the curtains lest their inquiring minds should lead them to observe her mysterious operations through the window. Then taking the wonder-work- ing pieces of pasteboard in her hands, and seating herself opposite her visitor, she announced her gracious will, thus : " You shall have six wishes."
Then, without asking him what he wished for, or whether he wished for anything, she shuffled the cards a few seconds, and read off their mysterious significance as follows, her curious and anxious cus- tomer looking furtively around, meanwhile, to spy out the hiding-place of the wooden courser:
Mrs. Pugh. 115
" 'Pears to me you will have good luck in futur, though it seems to me that you have had a great deal of bad luck and misfortune in your life ; but you will certainly do better in your futur days than you have done yet in your life, at least, so it seems to me. Tears to me your good luck will commence right away, pretty soon, immediate, in a very few days ; you will have some great good luck befal you within a 9. I designate time by days, and weeks, and months, and sometimes years, so this good luck of which I told you, you will certainly have within 9 days, or 9 weeks, or 9 months, or possibly 9 years — 9 days I think ; yes, I am sure ; within 9 days, at least so it 'pears to me. You are going to make a change in your business, so it seems to me — you are going to leave your present business, and make a change ; you will make this change within a 7, which may be 7 days or weeks ; weeks I think, yes certainly within 7 weeks, at least so it 'pears to me — this change in your business which will take place in 7 days, or weeks, I think, yes weeks I'm sure, will be a change
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for the better, and you will profit by it much, at least so it seems to me — and it will come to pass within a 7 ; as I said before, within a 7, months or days it may be, but weeks I think; yes, now I look again, within a 7, weeks I'm certain, at least, so it 'pears to me— you will receive a letter within a 3 ; years, perhaps, months, it may be, but still it looks like days ; yes, days I'm sure, days it must be ; within a 3, and days they are ; you will receive a letter within 3 days, I'm positively sure, or so it 'pears to me. You have friends across water, from whom you will hear speedily and soon, within a 5, which may be months, although I think not, for it looks like years ; did I say years ? no, days ; yes, days it is again ; within a 5, and days they are ; this letter you will have within 5 days; it will contain excellent news, which will please you much ; money, the news will be, and you will get the letter within a 5, which may be months or years, but days it looks like, and first-rate news it is, of money ; I am positively certain that it is within a 5, at least it seems so to me. You face up good
Mrs. Pugh. 117
luck and prosperity, and you will be very rich before you die, though I do not see how you are to get your money, whether by business or legacy ; but you will be very rich, or so it seems to me. You will receive some money within a 4 ; it will be in three parcels, and there will be considerable of it. You will get it in three parcels within a 4, not hours, nor years, nor yet months, but weeks ; money in three parcels within a 4, and weeks they are, I'm certain. The money will be in three parcels — three parcels; in three parcels you will get money within a 4, which, now I look again, it may be years, but still I think not. No, it is weeks; I'm certain, at least, so it 'pears to me. There is a lady that has a good heart for you. She is a light-complexioned lady, with black eyes ; she has a good heart for you, and I do not see any trouble between you, which means that there is no opposition to your match, and that you will certainly marry her within a 2, at least so it 'pears to me. Within a 2 you will marry this light- complexioned lady, within a 2, which is not hours,
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nor yet days, I think it is months. I'll look again ; no, it is not months, but years ; within a 2 and years they are, yes, 2 years ; before a 2, and years they are, this lady will be your wife — at least, so it seems to me. 'Pears to me you will get money with her, I do not know how much, bat you will certainly get money in three parcels, as I once remarked before, within a 4, which I'm sure is weeks. You will be married twice ; once within a 2, once again within a 5 or 7 after your first wife dies. I think it is a 5, though it may be a 7; and months it looks like, though it may be weeks or days. You will live with your first wife a 10 ; days it can't be, though it looks like days — a 10, you'll live with her a 10, can it be hours, no, years it is, it must be, because you will have five children by your first wife, which makes it years — 10 years it is, I know, at least so it 'pears to me. You will have five children by your first wife, but you will not raise them all. All will die but two, and then your wife will die within a 1, which is a month, or so it seems to me."
Mrs. Pugh. 119
The inquirer was charmed with the lively prospect of so many funerals, and mentally resolved to buy a couple of acres in Greenwood for the accommoda- tion of his future family. His meditations were interrupted by the lady, who thus continued:
4 'You will marry a second wife, but you will have trouble about her; there is a dark-complex- ioned man who interferes, and who will trouble you for an 8, which may be years, although I think not, nor hours, nor days, but months; I'm sure it is — yes, the dark-complexioned man will trouble you for an 8, which I am sure is months, yes, months it is, an 8 I say, and months they are, I am certain, at least so it 'pears to me. By your second wife you will have three children, who will all live — I see a funeral here within a 6 ; it does not look like a friend or a relative, but it is some acquaintance, or the friend of some acquaintance, or the acquaint- ance of some friend — the funeral is within a 6, but it does not come very near to you — you will go to a wedding within a 3, and you will receive a present
1 2o The Witches of New York.
of a ring within a 2, which may be days — you will after this be very prosperous and happy, you will be very long-lived — you will get a letter and a present from the light-complexioned lady within a 9, which, as I said before, it may be hours, which I think it is, though weeks it may be, or months, or even years; though certainly within a 9, which, now I look again, is days, yes, I am sure, certain, within a 9, a letter and a present from the light- complexioned lady, a 9 it is and days, within a 9, and days they are, at least, so it 'pears to me."
Here ended the communication, and, on inquiring the price, Johannes was astonished to learn that he had received but twenty-five cents' worth. Eegret- ting that he had not invested a dollar in a com- modity so "cheap and very filling at the price" for future consumption, he departed, first taking a long lingering look to find, if possible, the lurking- place of the magic broomstick charger. He didn't see it, and gave it up, and came away declaring that such a woman was not qualified to take the
Mrs. Pugh. 121
social position his wife must assume. He did not, however, wish to discourage her; he thought that the water-melon trade might be comprehended by a lady of her abilities, or that she could perhaps tho- roughly master the pop-corn and molasses candy business, and make it lucrative.
6
CHAPTER VI.
In which are narrated the Wonderful Workings of Madame
Morrow, the " Astonisher," of No. 76. Broome
Street; and how, by a Crinolinic Stratagem,
the "Individual" got a Sight of
his "Future Husband."
CHAPTER VI.
MADAME MORROW, THE ASTONISHER, No. 76 BROOME STREET.
MADAME MORROW is the only one of the fortune- telling fraternity in New York who refuses to dispense her astrological favors' to both sexes. She positively declines receiving any visits from "gen- tlemen," and confines her business attention exclu- sively to "ladies," of whom many are her regular customers. One reason for this course of conduct is, that she imagines her own sex to be the more credulous, and more readily disposed to put faith in her claims to supernatural knowledge, and she naturally prefers to deal with believers rather than with sceptics. Her " lady " customers are more tractable and easily managed than men, and are not
1 26 The Witches of New York.
so apt to ask puzzling and impertinent questions; and as the Madame can manage more of them in a day, of course the pecuniary return is larger than if she exercised her art in behalf of curious mas- culinity as well.
Of her history before she engaged in her present business, not much is known to those who have met her only of late years, for with regard to her early life she chooses to exercise a politic reticence. The whole " style " of the woman, however, her dress, manner, and conversation, are strong indica- tions that her younger and more attractive days were not passed in a nunnery, but more probably in establishments where "Free Love" is more than a theory. The character of the greater part of her " lady " visitors is of a grade that goes to corrobo- rate this supposition, and leads to the belief that among women of doubtful virtue "old acquaintance" is not easily " forgot." By far the greater number of Madame Morrow's customers are girls of the town, and women of even more disreputable character.
Madame Morrow. 127
The fact that a visit to this renowned sorceress must be paid in a feminine disguise, made the attempt to secure an interview of more than ordinary interest. How this difficulty was mastered, and how an entrance was finally effected into the citadel from which all mankind is rigorously excluded, is best told in the words of the "Individual" who accomplished that curious feat.
How the Cash Customer visited the "Astonisher" — How he was Astonished — and How he saw his Future Husband.
The Cash Customer in pursuit of a wife had been rebuffed, but was not disheartened. He had, so to speak, fought a number of very severe hymeneal rounds and got the worst of them all ; but he had taken his punishment like a man, and had still wind and pluck to come up bravely to the matri- monial scratch when "time" was called, and as yet showed no signs of giving in. His backers, if he'd had any, would have still been tolerably sure
128 The Witches of New York.
of their money, and not painfully anxious to hedge. The bets would have been about even that he'd win the fight yet, and come out of the battle a triumphant husband, instead of being knocked out of the field a disconsolate and discomfited bachelor. But, although his ardor had not cooled, and though his strength and determination still held out, he had grown slightly cautious, and had con- ceived a plan for going like a spy into the camp of the enemy, and there thoroughly reconnoitring the positions that he had to storm, and at the same time making himself master of the wiles and strata- gems that were the peculiar weapons of the female foe, and so learn some infallible way to capture a first-quality wife. At any rate, he would give himself the benefit of the doubt and make the experiment. He would a-wooing go, not apparelled in conquering broadcloth, in subjugating marseilles, or overpowering doeskin, but carrying the unaccus- tomed, but not less potent weapons of laces, moire- antique, crinoline, and gaiters.
Madame Morrow. 129
In fact, there was also a stern necessity in the case, for the lady on whom he had now set his young affections was particular as to her customers, and did not admit the shirt-collar gender to the honor of her confidence.
But was this to stop him? If the lady shut out the whole masculine world from the inevitable fascinations of her superabundant charms, was it not for sweet charity's sake, that a whole community might not go into ecstatic frenzies over her peerless beauty, and all men, being stricken in love of the same woman, go to cutting each other's throats with bowie-knives and other modern improvements I
It was easy to see that Madame Morrow did not want to become another Helen, to be abducted to some modern Troy, and have a ten years' row, and any quantity of habeas corpuses, and innumerable contempts of interminable courts, after the modern fashion of conducting a strife about a runaway maiden.
Such a considerate beauty, veiling her undoubted 6*
130 The Witches of New York.
fascinations from the rude gaze of man, from purely prudential reasons, must be a prize of rare value, and well worth the winning.
Her qualifications in magic, too, seemed to be of the very first order, to judge from her notification to the wonder-seeking world.
"ASTONISHING TO ALL. — Madame MORROW claims to be the most wonderful astrologist in the world, or that has ever been known, as I am the seventh daughter of the seventh daughter, who was also a great astrologist I have a natural gift to tell past, present, and future events of life. I have astonished thousands during my travels in Europe. I will tell how many times you are to be married, how, soon, and will show you the likeness of your future husband, and will cause you to be speedily married, and you will enjoy the greatest happiness of matrimonial bliss and good luck through your whole life. I will also show the likeness of absent friends and relations, and I will tell so true all the concerns of life that you cannot help being astonished. No charge, if not satisfied. Gentlemen not admitted. No. 76 Broome street, near Columbia."
There was but one thing in this that troubled the
Madame Morrow. 131
" Individual " with any particularly sharp pangs. He intended to marry the Astonisher, but he was a little bothered what to do with the seven daughters, for of course the Madame would not fail to follow the excellent example of her revered mother, and would never stop short of the mystic number.
He finally concluded that all his duties as a father would be faithfully performed if he taught them to read, write, and play on the piano, and then gave them each a sewing-machine to begin the world with. He did think of bringing them up for the ballet, but their success in that profession being somewhat de- pendent''on the size and symmetry of their dancing implements, he felt it would be improper to positively determine on that line of business before he had been favored with a sight of the young ladies. Eeserving, therefore, his decision on this knotty point until time should further develop the subject, he prepared for the unsexing which was indicated as an inevitable preliminary to a visit to Madame Morrow, by the sentence " Grentlemen not admitted."
132 The Witches of New York.
He proposed to get himself up in a way that would slightly astonish the Madame herself, although she had faithfully promised in her advertisement to asto- nish him. He would have been willing to wager a small sum that with all her witchcraft she would be unable to keep that promise, for in the regular course of his business, he had become so accustomed to mar- vels, wonders, and miracles, that the upheaval of a volcano in the Park wouldn't discompose him unless it singed his whiskers. He had a strong desire, how- ever, to realize the old sensation of astonishment, and he was of the opinion that the " likeness of his future husband " would accomplish that feat if anything could.
Heroic was Johannes, and withal ingenious, and this then was his wonderful plan.
He would visit this Madame Morrow, not by proxy, but in his own proper person ; if not as a man, then as a woman; yes, he would petticoat himself up to the required dimensions, if it took a week to tie on the machinery. Off with the pantaloons; on with the
Madame Morrow. 133
skirts ; down with the broadcloth ; hurrah for the cotton and hej for victory, and a look at his future husband.
To an inventor of theatrical costumes hied he with this fell design in his heart.
The requisite paraphernalia were bargained for and sent home to the ambitious voyager, who, at the sight thereof, was "astonished" in advance, and stricken aghast by the complicated mysteries of laces, ribbons, strings, bones, buttons, pins, capes, collars, and other inexplicable articles that met his gaze.
The question instantly occurred, "Could he get into these things ?"
Not a bit of it ; he would sooner undertake to re- port in short-hand the speech of a thunder-cloud, and with much better prospects of success. He felt his own insignificance, and as he looked out at the window, he regarded a passing female with awe. He felt that he was fast becoming imbecile, not to say idiotic, when he bethought him of his friends. Two discreet married men, who knew the ropes, were called to the rescue, and began the work ; they piled
134 The Witches of New York.
on layer after layer of the material, and in the course of four or five hours had built him into a pyramid of the proper size, when they gave him their solemn assurance that he was " all right." He has since dis- covered that they had tied his under-sleeves round his ankles, and that the things he wore on his arms must have belonged somewhere else. There was trouble about the hair, and it required the combined ingenu- ity and wisdom of the masculine trio to keep the bonnet on, and this difficulty was only overcome at last by tying strings from the inside of the crown of that invention to the ears of the sufferer.
Then, and not till then, had anybody thought of the whiskers. They must be sacrificed; and though the miserable victim to his own ambition consented to the disfigurement, how was it to be accomplished? The luckless Johannes could no more sit down in a barber's chair than the City Hall could get into an omnibus. At last he knelt down, which was the nearest approach he could make to a sitting position, and Jenkins, mounted on
Madame Morrow. 135
the bed, shaved him as well as he could at arm's length.
When the operation was concluded, his head looked as if it had been parboiled and the skin taken off. He didn't dare to curse Jenkins for his clumsiness, knowing that if he relieved his mind in that desirable manner, Jenkins would refuse to help him undress when he wanted to get out of the innumerable manacles that now confined every joint. He was as helpless as a turtle that the unkind hand of ruthless man has rolled over on his back.
However, the disguise was complete ; he looked in the glass and thought he was his own landlady ; his best friends wouldn't have known him, and the teller of the bank would have pronounced him a forgery and refused to certify him; he felt like a full-rigged clipper ship, and got under sail as soon as possible and bore down upon Madame Morrow's residence. He nearly capsized as he stepped into the street, but he righted after a heavy lurch to the north-east, and kept his course without further serious
136 The Witches of New York.
disaster. He made a speedy run to Broome street, the voyage being accomplished in less than the expected time, although a heavy sea, in the shape of a boy with a wheelbarrow, struck him amidships, on the corner of Sheriff street, doing some damage to his lower works and carrying away a yard or so of lace from his main skirt. He finally came up to the house in splendid style, and cast anchor on the opposite sidewalk to take an observation.
The anchorage was good, and he rode securely for a short time until he could repair damages, he having carried away some of his upper rigging; in other words, he had caught his veil on a meat-hook and had been unable to rescue it. He rigged a sort of jury- veil with the end of his shawl, so that he could hide his blushing countenance in case of too close scrutiny.
Madame Morrow lives, as he now discovered, in a low, three-story brick house, which cannot be called dirty, simply because that mild word expresses an approximation towards cleanliness which no house in this locality has known for years. City readers can
Madame Morrow. 137
get an idea of its condition by understanding that it is in the worst part of " The Hook ;" to readers in the country, who have luckily never seen anything filthier than a barn yard, no information can be given which would meet the case. Sunshine is the only protection for a well-dressed man against the population of this part of the town. In the twilight or darkness he would be robbed, if not garroted and murdered. The boldest and most desperate burglars, and others of that stamp, have their homes about here — fathers who teach their children the thief's profession, and mothers who carry pickpockets at the •
breast. In the midst of this nest of crime the
— — ~
fortune-teller has her home, and here she thrives.
The daring man, protected by his false colors, there being no officious authority in that neighbor- hood to exercise the right of search, came alongside the house and prepared, metaphorically, to board; that is, he rang the bell.
He was admitted by an Irish girl, whose in- crusted face showed that the same deposit of dirt
138 The Witches of New York.
had probably held possession undisturbed for weeks. They had just entered the hall door when two small children, who were contending for their vested rights with a big yellow dog that had interfered with their dinner, commenced an un- earthly squalling, which, for the instant, made the millinery delegate fairly believe that Tophet was out for noon. The Hibernian maiden, with great presence of mind, immediately attempted to quiet the storm by administering to each inverted brat a sound correction, in the manner usually adopted by mothers.
Particulars are omitted.
Then she resumed her attentions to the stranger, and convoyed him into port in the parlor. Securely harbored in this safe retreat, Johannes took another observation.
The room was small, and what few things were in it looked shabby and dirty of course. The prin- cipal article of furniture was a huge basketful of soiled linen, which had probably been "taken in"
Madame Morrow. 139
to wash, and from a respectable family, for every single article looked ashamed to be caught in such company, and tried to burrow down out of sight. Disconsolate shirts elbowed humiliated socks, which in turn kicked against mortified flannels, or hid themselves beneath disconcerted sheets; abashed shirt-collars and humbled dickies tried to shrink out of sight in very shame beneath a dishonored table- cloth, the wine-stains on which showed it to belong in better society. A dejected and cast-down woman was assorting the despairing contents of the basket with a look of desolation.
The girl, who had disappeared, now returned, and with an air of mystery slipped into the hand of her visitor a red card, on which was inscribed :
No Person allowed to remain in the Establish- ment without a ticket. Please present this on entering Madame Morrow's room. Fee in full, $1.
For an hour and a half after the receipt of this
140 The Witches of New York.
card and the payment of $1 therefor, did Johannes quietly wait in the room with the big basket, being entertained meanwhile by the two women who con- versed with each other upon the relative merits of engines No. 18 and 27, and with a long discussion as to the comparative personal beauty of "Tom" and "Dick," who, it seemed, belonged respectively to those two mechanical constituents of our Fire Depart- ment.
At the end of that time the Irish girl, who had succeeded in establishing "Dick's" claim to her satisfaction, arose and invited the stranger to the room of Madame Morrow.
He passed up a narrow flight of stairs, the condi- tion of which, as to dirt, was concealed by no friendly carpet ; then he sailed into a front parlor which was furnished elegantly, and perhaps gorgeously, with carpets, mirrors, sofas, and all the usual requirements of a lady's apartment.
Madame herself appeared at the door. She is a tall, sallow-looking woman, with a complexion the
Madame Morrow. 141
color of old parchment : with light brown eyes and light hair ; being attired in a handsome delaine dress of half-mourning, and decorated with a costly cameo pin and ear-drops, she looked not unlike a servant out for a holiday, making a sensation in her mistress's finery.
She led her lovely visitor into a little closet-like room, in which were a bureau, two chairs, a table, and a small stand, covered with a number of her business hand-bills and a pack of cards. She asked first : " What month was you born ?" On receiving the answer, the Astonisher took a book from the bureau and read as follows: "A person born in this month is of an amiable and frank disposition, benevolent, and an amiable and desirable partner in the marriage relation. Your lucky days are Tues- days and Thursdays, on which days you may enter on any undertaking, or attempt any enterprise with a good prospect of success." Then she took up the cards again, and after the usual shuffling and cutting, the Astonisher fired away as follows.
142 The Witches of New York.
" You face luck, you face prosperity, you face true love and disinterested affection, you face a speedy mar- riage, you face a letter which will come in three days and will contain pleasant news — you face a ring, you face a present of jewelry done up in a small package ; the latter will come within two hours, two days, two weeks, or two months — you face an agreeable sur- prise, you face the death of a friend, you face the seven of clubs which is the luckiest card in the pack • — you face two gentlemen with a view to matrimony, one of whom has brown hair and brown eyes, and the other has lighter hair and blue eyes — they are both thinking of you at the present time, but the nearest one you face is the one with light eyes — your marriage runs within six or nine months."
There was very much more to the same effect, but as Johannes was pining all this time for a look at his future husband, he did not pay the strictest attention to it. Finally, when she had finished talking, she said, "Step this way and see your future hus- band."
Madame Morrow. 143
This was the eventful moment.
The disguised one went to the table and there beheld a pine box, about the size of an ordinary candle-box, though shallower; it was unpainted, and decidedly unornamental as an article of furniture. In one end of it was an aperture about the size of the eye-hole of a telescope ; this was carefully covered with a small black curtain. This mystic contrivance was placed upon a table so low that the husband-seeker was compelled to go on his knees to get his eye down low enough to see through. He accomplished this feat without grumbling, although his knees were scarified by the whalebones which surrounded him. The Astonisher then drew aside the little curtain with a grand flourish, and her customer beheld an indistinct figure of a bloated face with a mustache, with black eyes and black hair ; it was a hang-dog, thief-like face, and one that he would not have passed in the street without involuntarily putting his hands on his pockets to assure himself that all was right.
144 The Witches of New York.
But lie felt tha^ lie had no hope of a future husband if he did not accept this one, and he made up his mind to be reconciled to the match.
This contrivance for showing the "future hus- band " is sometimes called the Magic Mirror, and may be procured at any optician's for a dollar and a quarter. The "future husband" may of course be varied to suit circumstances, by merely shifting the pictures at one end of the instrument ; or a horse or a dog might be substituted with equal propriety and probability.
Disappointed, and sick at heart and stomach, the Cash Customer bore away for home, and accomplished the return voyage without disaster. He didn't so much mind the unexpected difference in the personal attractions of Madame Morrow from what he had hoped, for he had been rather accustomed to disap- pointments of that sort of late, but he couldn't see that his admission to the camp of the enemy had enabled him to spy out anything of particular advan-
Madame Morrow. 145
tage to him in future operations. So he cogitated and mournfully whistled slow tunes, as he cut himself out of his unaccustomed harness by the help
of a pen-knife with a file-blade.
7
CHAPTER VII.
Contains a full account of the interview of the Cash
Customer with Doctor Wilson, the Astrologer, of
No. 172 Delancey Street. The Fates
decree that he shall " pizon his
first Wife." HOORAY!!
CHAPTER VII.
DR. WILSON, No. 172 DELANCEY STREET.
THIS ignorant, half-imbecile old man is the only wizard in New York whose fame has become public. There are several other men who sometimes, as a matter of favor to a curious friend, exercise their astrological skill, but they do not profess witchcraft as a means of living; they do not advertise their gifts, but only dabble in necromancy in an amateur way, more as a means of amusement than for any other purpose. On the other hand Dr. Wilson freely uses the newspapers to announce to the public his star-reading ability, and his willingness, for a con- sideration, to tell all events, past and future, of a paying customer's life. He professes to do all his fortune-telling in a "strictly scientific" manner, and
150 The Witches of New York.
it is but justice to him to say, that he alone, of all the witches of New York, drew a horoscope, consulted books of magic, made intricate mathematical calcula- tions, and made a show of being scientific. In his case only was any attempt made to convince the seeker after hidden wisdom, that modern fortune- telling is aught else than very lame and shabby guess- work. The old Doctor has by no means so many customers as many of his female rivals; he is old and unprepossessing — were he young and handsome the case might be otherwise.
He has been a pretended " botanic physician," or what country people term a "root doctor;" but failing to earn a living by the practice of medicine, he took up "Demonology and Witchcraft" to aid him to eke out a scanty subsistence. He does but little in either branch of his business, the pub- lic appearing to have slight faith in his ability either to cure their maladies or foretell their future.
The character of his surroundings is noted in the
Dr. Wilson. 151
following description, and his oracular communica- tion is given, word for word.
An Hour with a Wizard. — The Cash Customer is to " Pizon " his First Wife, and then get Another. Hooray !
" I am like a vagabond pig with no family ties, who has no lady pig to welcome him home o'nights, and with no tender sucklings to call him * papa,' in that prattling porcine language that must fall so sweetly on the ears of all parents of innocent porklings. Like Othello, I have no wife, and really I can see little hope in the future."
Thus moralized the "Individual;" the morning after his experiment with the women's gear, and his failure to learn, at a single lesson, the whole art of catching a wife. Then he bethought him that per- haps the art could not be learned without a master ; and then came the other thought that no one could tell so well how to win a witch- wife as one who had himself been successful in that risky experiment.
To find a man with a fortune-telling wife is no
152 The Witches of New York.
easy matter, for most of the marriages contracted by these ladies are by no means of a permanent character, and the male parties to the temporary partnerships are always kept in the background. But if he could discover up a wizard, a masculine master of the Black Art, there were strong proba- bilities that such an individual could put him in the way of winning a miracle-working spouse, at the very least possible trouble and expense. He would seek that man as a preliminary to winning that woman. The daily newspapers showed him that in the person of a learned doctor, surnamed Wilson, he would probably find the man he wanted. He searched out that wonderful man, and the result?. of his visit are given in this identical chapter.
Old dreamy Sol Gills, of coffee-colored memory, has been admiringly recommended to the good opinion of the world by his friend, Capt. Ed'ard Cuttle, mariner of England, as a man "chock full of science." From the same eminent authority we also learn that Jack Bunsby was an individual of
Dr. Wilson. 153
learning so vast, and experience so varied and com- prehensive, that he never opened his oracular mouth but out fell " solid chunks of wisdom." That the person now dwells in our city who combines the scientific attainments of Gills with the intuitive wisdom of Bunsby, we have the solemn word of Johannes. The science is a trifle more dreamy and misty even than of old, and the wisdom is solider and chunkier, but both are as undeniable, as con- vincing, as " stunning," as in the best days of the Little Wooden Midshipman. The fortunate possessor of this inestimable wealth of knowledge secludes himself from the curious public in the basement of the house No. 172 Delancey street, like an under- ground hermit. However, this unselfish and gene- rous sage, not wishing to hide entirely the light of his great learning from a benighted world, kindly condescends, in the advertisement herewith given, to retail his wisdom to anxious inquirers at a dollar a chunk:
"ASTROLOGY. — Dr. Wilson, 172 Delancey street, gives the
154 The Witches of New York.
most scientific and reliable information to be found on all concerns of life, past, present, and future. Terms — ladies, 50 cents; gentlemen, $1. Birth required."
The last sentence is slightly obscure, and it was not quite clear to Johannes that he would not have to be " born again " on the premises. But at all events there was something refreshing in the novelty of consulting a " learned pundit " in pantaloons, after all the tough conjurers of the other sex that he had undergone of late.
So he repaired to Delancey street in a joyous mood, nothing daunted by the requirements of the advertisement.
Delancey street is not Paradise, quite the contrary. In fact it may be set down as unsavory, not to say dirty in the extreme. The man that can walk through the east end of this delicious thoroughfare without a constant sensation of sea-sickness, has a stomach that would be true to him in a dissecting- room. The individual that can explore with his unwilling boots its slimy depths without a feeling of
Dr. Wilson. 155
the most intense disgust for everything in the city and of the city, ought to live in Delancey street and buy his provisions at the corner grocery. He never ought to see the country, or even to smell the breath of a country cow. He should be exiled to the city ; be banished to perpetual bricks and mortar ; be con- demned to a never-ending series of omnibus rides, and to innumerable varieties of short change.
The delegate picked his way gingerly enough, thinking all the while that if Leander had been com- pelled to wade through Delancey street, instead of taking a clean swim across the sea, Hero might have died a respectable old maid for all Leander. And yet Johannes says he doesn't believe that History will give him any credit for his valorous navigation of the said street.
He at last reached the designated spot, sound as to body, though wofully soiled as to garments, and approached the semi-subterranean abode of the great prophet, and immediately after his modest rap at the basement door, was met by the venerable sage in
156 The Witches of New York.
person. He walked in, and then proceeded to take an observation of the cabalistic instruments and mysterious surroundings of the great philosopher. The room was a small, low apartment, about ten
«x
feet by twelve, the floor uncarpeted and uneven ; the walls were damp, and the whole place was like a vault. The furniture was very scanty, and all had an unwholesome moisture about it, and a curious odor, as if it gathered unhealthy dews by being kept underground. Three feeble chairs were all the seats, and a table which leaned against the wall was too ill and rickety to do its intended duty; many of the books which had once probably covered it, were now thrown in a promiscuous heap on the floor, where they slowly mildewed and gave out a graveyard smell. A miniature stove in the middle of the room, sweated and sweltered, and in its struggles to warm the unhealthy atmosphere had succeeded in suffusing itself with a clammy perspiration ; it was in the last stages of debility; old age and abuse had used it sadly, and it now stood helplessly upon its crippled
Dr. Wilson. 157
legs, and supported its nerveless elbow upon a sturdy whitewash brush. There were a few symptoms of medical pretensions in the shape of some vials, and bottles of drugs, and colored liquids on the mantel- piece ; a great attempt at a display of scientific appa- ratus began and ended with an insulating stool, and an old-fashioned " cylinder and cushion " electrical machine; a number of highly -colored prints of animals pasted on the wall, having evidently been scissored from the show-bill of a menagerie, had a look towards natural history, and a jar or two of acids suggested chemical researches. The books that still remained on the enervated table were an odd volume of Braithwaite's Retrospect, a treatise on Human Physiology, and another on Materia Medica; a number of bound volumes of Zadkiel's Astronomical Ephemeris, Raphael's Prophetic Alma- nac, Raphael's Prophetic Messenger, and a file of Robert White's Celestial Atlas, running back to 1808. The appearance of the venerable sage of Delancey
158 The Witches of New York.
street was not so imposing as to strike a stranger with awe — quite the contrary. He partook of the character of the room, and was a fitting occupant of such a place ; he seemed some kind of unwholesome vegetable that had found that noisome atmosphere congenial, and had sprung indigenously from the slimy soil. One looked instinctively at his feet to see what kind of roots he had, and then glanced back at his head as if it were a huge bud, and about to blos- som into some unhealthy flower. The traces of its earthy origin were plainly visible about this mouldy old plant ; quantities of the rank soil still adhered to the face, filled up the wrinkles of the cheeks, found ample lodging in the ears and on the neck, and crowding under the horny and distorted nails, made them still more ugly ; and streaks and ridges of dirt clung to every portion of the garments, which answered to the bark or rind of this perspiring herb. To drop this botanic figure of speech, Dr. Wilson is a man of about fifty-eight years of age, rather stout and thick-set, with grey eyes, and hair which was
Dr. Wilson. 159
once brown, but is now grey, and with thin brown whiskers ; the top of his head is nearly bald, except a few thin, furzy, short hairs, which made his skull look as if it had been kept in that damp room until mould had gathered on it. He was in his shirt sleeves, and was attired, for the most part, in a pair of sheep's grey pantaloons, which were made to cover that frac- tion of his body between his ankles and his armpits ; the little patch of shirt that was visible above the waistband of that garment, was streaked with irregu- lar lines of dirty black, as if it had gone into half mourning for the scarcity of water.
The man of science made a musty remark or two about the weather and the walking, and then, after carefully seating himself at the decrepit table, he said : "I suppose your business is of a fortun'-tellin7
natur ; if so, my terms is one dollar." The affirma-
• tive answer to the question and the payment of the
dollar put new energy into the mouldy old man, and he prepared to astonish the beholder.
He demanded the age of his visitor, and then
160 The Witches of New York.
desired to be informed of the date of his birth, with particular reference to the exact time of day • Johannes drummed up his youthful recollections of that interesting event, and gave the day, the hour, and the minute, with his accustomed accuracy. The sage made an exact minute of these wet-nurse items on a cheap slate with a stub of a pencil ; then taking another cheap slate, he proceeded to draw a horoscope thereon, pausing a little over the signs of the zodiac, as if he was a little out in his astronomy, and wasn't exactly certain whether there should be twelve or twenty. He settled this little matter by filling one half the slate as full as it would hold, and then car- rying some to the other side, so as to have a few on hand in case of any emergency.
When the figure was drawn, and all the mysterious signs completed, the shirt-sleeve prophet became absorbed in an intricate calculation of such mysteri- ous import that all his customer's mathematical proficiency was unable to make out what it was all about. First he set down a long row of figures,
Dr. Wilson. 161
which he added together with much difficulty, and then seemed to instantly conceive the most unrelent- ing hostility to the sum total. The mathematical tortures to which he put that unhappy amount ; the arithmetical abuse which he heaped upon it, and the algebraic contumely with which he overwhelmed it, almost defy description. He first belabored it with the four simple rules ; he stretched it with Addition ; he cut it in two with Subtrac- tion; he made it top-heavy with Multiplication, and tore it to pieces with Division — then he ex- tracted its square root; then extracted the cube root of that, which left nothing of the unfortunate sum total but a small fraction, which he then divided by abj and made " equal to " an infinitesimal part of some unknown x. Having thus wreaked his ven- geance on the unhappy number, he laid away the surviving fraction in a cold corner of the slate, where he left it, first, however, giving a parting token of his bitter malignity by writing the minus sign before it, which made it perpetually % worse than nothing,
1&2 The Witches of New York.
and reduced it to a state of irredeemable algebraic bankruptcy. This praiseworthy object being finally achieved, he proceeded to translate into intelligible English the result of his calculations, which he announced in the terms following :
" The testimonial is not the most sanguine. If the tune of birth is given correct there is reason to apprehend that something of an affective nature occurred at about eight years and ten months — at 16x10 I think I may say, if the time of birth is given correct, there is from the figures reason to expect that there is a probability of a similar sitiwa- tion of events. At 24 there was a favorable sitiwa- tion of events, if there was not somebody or somethin' afflictive on the contrary, the which I am disposed to think might be possible. At 25, if the time of birth is given correct, there is reason to expect great likelihoods of some success in life ; I may, it is true, be mistaken in my calculations, but as the significa- tors are angular, I think there is indications that such will be the sitiwatioii of events. At 30, if the time
Dr. Wilson. * 163
of birth, is given correct, I think you are an individ- dyal as may look for some species of misfortin — there will be some rather singular circumstances occur, which might denote loss of friends, or the fallin7 to you of a fortin, or great travellin' by water or land, or losin' money at cards, or breakin' your leg, or makin7 a great discovery, or inventin' some- thin7, or gettin' put into prison on suspicion of sorcery and witchcraft. You will see that there are indications to denote that you will certainly be accused of sorcery and witchcraft by some individ- dyals who are not your friends — the indications denote great likelihoods that this will make you uneasy in your mind, but I think there is nothin7 of a very serious natur7 to be feared at that time of life, if the time of birth is given correct. When any misfortin7 is comin7 upon you there is no doubt (though 'I am not goin7 to state positively that such will be the case, still there is strong likelihoods that the indications give such a probability) that it will give you warnin7 of its approach. At 36, if the time
164 The Witches of New York.
of birth is given correct, there is indications of a likelihood that you will fall upon some other misfor- tin' ; I am not prepared to state positively that such will be the case, but I think you will have a mis- fortin7, though I don't think it would be of a very afflictive natur7. There is at that time a circumstance of an unfriendly natur7, though it may not happen to yourself; it might denote that your brother will get sick. There is another evil condition about this time which I will examine still furder. I see that there is indications of a likelihood that there is a probability of your having somethin7 amiss by a partner, if somethin7 of a favorable natur7 does not interpose, which is not unlikely, though I may be mistaken and will not say positively. You will be lucky, however, after that, and many of your evils will gradually begin to recline, as it were. There is reason to believe that the significators denote that in the course of your futur7 life you will sometimes be thrown in with men who you will think is your friends, but who will prove to be your enemy. This
Dr. Wilson. 165
I will not say positively, for I may be mistaken, which I think I am not, but if the time of birth is correct, you are an individdyal as gives likelihoods that such might be the case."
For more than an hour had the Inquirer been edified and instructed by these " solid chunks of wisdom," which, it will be remembered, were not delivered off-hand, but were carefully ciphered out by elaborate calculations on the slate aforesaid. Lucid and elegant as was the language, and inte- resting as was the matter of these oracular communi- cations, he felt it to be his duty to interrupt them for a time and change the subject to a theme in which he felt a nearer interest ; accordingly he asked the musty Seer about his prospects of future wedded bliss. This was a subject of so great importance that all the other calculations had to be erased from the slate — this little operation was accomplished in the manner of the schoolboys who haint got any sponge, and the dirty hand plied briskly for a minute between the juicy mouth and the dingy slate, and
166 The Witches of New York.
became a shade grimier by this cleanly process. Then a new horoscope was drawn with more signs of the zodiac than ever, and in due time the result was thus announced:
"I shall now endeavor to give you a description of the sort of person you might be most likeliest to marry. There is indications that your wife might be respectable. The significators do not denote that there is a likelihood that you might marry a very old woman. She would be as likely to have fair hair and blue eyes as anything else; nor would she be likely to be very much too tall, and I don't imagine you are an individdyal that might be likely to marry a woman who was very short. She may not be very old, but I do not think that the indications point her out as being likely to be a child ; in fact, I think it possible that she may be of the ordinary age, though I do not wish to be understood as being positive on all these points, for I may be mistaken, though I think you will find that there is a likelihood that these things may be so. You will be married twice,
Dr. Wilson. 167
and I think you are an individdyal that would be likely to have children — six children I think there is indications that you may be likely to have. The significators point out one very evil condition, and I think I may say that I'm quite sure. I'm positive that you will separate from your first wife. No, I will not say that yours is a quarrelsome natur', but the significators look bad. Things is worse, in fact, than I told you of, and now I look again and am sure you are prepared, I will say that there cannot be a doubt that you will pizon your first wife. It can- not be any other way ; there is no mistake ; it is so ; it must be true; the fact is this, and thus I tell you, you ivill pizon your first wife. And, my young friend, I will advise you, in case your married futur' is unhappy, and you do find it necessary to give pizon to your consort, do not tell anybody of your inten- tions ; do not let it be known ; and you must do it in
v such a way as not to be suspected, or people will
think hard of you, and there may be trouble."
This was a touch of wisdom for which Johannes
168 The Witches of New York.
was not prepared ; so lie snatched his hat and hastily left the sepulchral premises, conscious of his inability to receive another such a " chunk" without being completely floored.
He now expresses the opinion that Dr. Wilson wanted to get the job of " pizoning " that first wife, and that he would have done it with pleasure at less than the market price.
CHAPTER VIII.
Gives a history of how Mrs. Hayes, the Clairvoyant, of No. 176 Grand Street, does the Conjuring Trick.
8
Or TKE
NIVERSJTY
Of fF
CHAPTER VIII.
MRS. HAYES, A CLAIRVOYANT, No. 176 GRAND STREET.
THERE are a dozen or more of these "Clairvoyants" in the city who profess to cure diseases, and to work other wonders by the aid of their so-called wonderful power. As their mode of proceeding is very much the same in all cases, a description of one or two will give an idea of the whole. Their principal business is to prescribe for bodily ills, and did they confine themselves to this alone, they would not be legitimate subjects of mention in this book. But in addition to their medical practice they also tell about "absent friends;" tell whether projected business undertakings will fall out well or ill; whether contemplated mar- riages will be prosperous or otherwise : whether a
172 The Witches of New York.
person will be "lucky" in life, whether his children will be happy, and, in short, they do pretty much the regular fortune-telling routine, whenever the questions of the customer lead that way.
The theory as given by them, of a Clairvoyant diagnosis of a malady, is this : that the Clairvoyant, when thrown by mesmeric influence into the " trance" state, is enabled to see into Hie body of tfie patient and discern what organs, if any, are deranged, and in what manner ; or to ascertain precisely the nature of the morbific condition of the body, and having thus discovered what part of the vital mechanism is out of order, they are able, they argue, to prescribe the best means for restoring the apparatus to a normal state.
There are many thousands of persons who believe this stuff, and endanger their lives and health by trusting to these empirics. Several of the most popular of them have as many patients as they can attend to, and are rapidly amassing fortunes. Most of them have a superficial knowledge of Medicine, and are thus enabled to do, with a certain amount of impunity,
Mrs. Hayes. 173
many dark deeds. It is reported of more than one of these women that she has done as many deeds of child- murder as did even the notorious Madame Restell.
In this regard, they are among the most dangerous and criminal of all the Witches.
The " Individual " visited Mrs. Hayes, who is one of the most ignorant of the whole lot, and Mrs. Sey- mour, who is one of the most intelligent of all. He sets down the particulars of his visit to the former, in the words following :
How the "Individual" sees a Clairvoyant — How he pays a Dollar, and what he gets for his money.
"Not all the sorcery of all the sorcerers ; not all the necromancy of all the necromancers ; not all the con- jurations of all masculine conjurers ; not all the magic of all male magicians ; not all the charming of all the charmers, charm they never so wisely, could have induced Johannes to ever more place the slightest trust in a wizard, or repose in any wonderworker of the bearded sex the merest trifle of faith, even the most
174 The Witches of New York.
infinitesimal trituration of the homoeopathicest grain. The single dose he had received from the renowned Doctor Wilson was quite enough, and had satisfied all his longings for wisdom of that sort.
Besides, his coming events cast such peculiar and very unpleasant shadows before, that he preferred to keep out of the grim presence of such shady men, and for all after time to bask him only in the sunshine of smiling women.
" Pizon his first wife" would he? Well, he could have taken that "pizon" with tolerable composure from the lips of lovely woman, but to receive it from the mumbling mouth of a skinny old man, was too much to accept without divers rebellious grins.
A peach-cheeked witch, a cherry -lipped conjuress • a Circe, with only enough charms to make a respecta- ble photograph, might with impunity have called him a counterfeiter, or a horse-thief, or even a thimble- rigger ; or might have told him that he would, upon opportunity, garotte his grandmother for the small price of seventy cents and her snuff-box ; or that he
Mrs. Hayes. 175
was in the habit of attending funerals to pick the pockets of the mourners, and of going to church that he might steal the pennies from the poor-box, all this would he have borne uncomplainingly from a woman ; but these unpalatable statements from one of the mas- culine gender would be " most tolerable and not to be endured."
He felt that if he had not rushed incontinently from the presence of that underground star-gazer Dr. Wilson, he must either have punched that respected person's venerated head, or have laughed in his honored face. In either case he would, of course, have roused the extensive ire of that potent worthy, and have been at once exposed to a fire of super- natural influences that would have been probably unpleasant, to say the least.
The unmusical Johannes looks upon accordeons as cruel instruments of refined torture, and detests them as the vilest of all created or invented things, and he had been very careful to offend none of the magic community, lest he should, by some high-pressure
176 The Witches of New York.
power of their enchanted spells, be transformed into an accordeon, and he condemned to eternally have shrieking music pulled out of his bowels by unrelent- ing boys.
Having this terrible possible doom continually before his mind's optics, he felt that it would be only the part of prudence to avoid the company of those black art professors in whose presence he could not keep all his feelings well in hand. So, no more wizards would he visit, but the witches should hence- forth have his entire attention.
It is a fortunate circumstance that there are no other men than the aforesaid Doctor Wilson, in the witch business in New York, so that there would be no temptation to break this resolve, and he probably would not be troubled to keep it.
There is one breed of the modern witch that pre- tends to a sort of superiority in blood and manners, and those who practise this peculiar branch of the business put on certain aristocratic airs and utterly refuse to consort with those of another stamp. They
Mrs. Hayes. 177
disdain the title of "Astrologers," or " Astrologists," as most of them phrase it, and in their advertisements utterly repudiate the idea that they are "Fortune Tellers."
These are the " Clairvoyants," who do business by means of certain select mummeries of their own, and who make a great deal of money in their trade. There are a great number of these in the city, so many indeed that the business is over-done, and the price of retail clairvoyance has come materially down. The same dose of this article that formerly cost five dollars, may now be had for fifty cents, and the quality is not deteriorated, but is quite as good now as it ever was.
To one of these supernatural women did the hero resolve to pay his next visit, and he selected the abode of Mrs. Hayes, of 176 Grand Street, for his initiatory consultation.
With the mysterious psychological phenomena de- nominated by those who profess to know them best,
"clairvoyant manifestations," Johannes had nothing
8*
] 78 The Witches of New York.
to do, and%ras content, as every one of the uninitiated must perforce be, to accept the say-so of the spiritual- istic journals that there are such phenomena and that they are unexplained and mysterious. No outside unbelievers in Spiritualism and the kindred arts may ever know anything of clairvoyant developments and demonstrations, save such one-sided varnished state- ments as the journals that deal in that sort of commodities choose to lay before the world. Every man must be spiritually wound up to concert pitch before he is in a condition to receive the highest revelations of the clairvoyant speculators. So that, whether the clairvoyance that is sold for money be a spurious or a superfine article few can tell. Certain it is that it is the same sort of stuff that has ever been retailed to the public under the name of clairvoyance, ever since the discovery of that remunerative humbug. It is more than likely that the twaddle of Mrs. Hayes, Mrs. Seymour, and the rest of the fortune-telling crew, would be repudiated by Andrew Jackson Davis and the rest of the spiritualistic firstchoppers, but it
Mrs. Hayes. 179
is none the less true that these gifted women sell their pretended knowledge of spirits and spiritual persons and things, with as much pretentiousness to unerring truth, as that veritable seer himself, and at a much lower price.
The clairvoyant department of modern witchcraft is necessarily carried on by a partnership, and one which is not identical with the legendary league with the devil. Two visible persons constitute the firm, for it takes a double team to do the work, and if the amiable gentleman just referred to makes a third in the concern, he is a silent partner who merely furnishes capital, while his name is not known in the business. The whole theory of clairvoyance as applied to fortune- telling and other branches of cheap necromancy, seems to be somewhat like this.
A strong-minded person, generally a man with a physique like a Centre-Market butcher boy, obtains by some means possession of an extra soul or two, or spirit, or whatever else that intangible thing may be called. These spirits are always second-rate articles, not good
1 80 The Witches of New York.
enough to be put into vigorous and strong bodies, and which have been therefore hastily cased up in an inferior kind of human frame as a sort of make-shift for men and women.
Your professional clairvoyant is always, both as to soul and body, a botched-up job that nature ought to be ashamed of, and probably is, if she'd own up.
The senior partner of the clairvoyant fortune-telling firm, the strong-minded one, according to their pro- fessions, has the arbitrary control of the cast-off souls that animate these refuse bodies. By what spiritual hocus-pocus this is managed is not known to those outside the trade. He uses their half-baked spirits at his will, and makes his living by farming them out to do dirty jobs for the paying public. He discon- nects them from their mortal vehicles, and sends them on errands in the spirit-land in behalf of his cus- tomers, looking up their " absent friends," both in and out of the body — telling of their health and prosperity if they are still alive, and picking up little bits of scan- dal about their angels if they are dead. The senior
Mrs. Hayes. 181
partner also sends his abject two-and-sixpenny souls to explore the bodies of his sick customers and examine their internal machinery, point out any little defects or disarrangements, and suggest the proper remedies therefor, and in short, to do whatever other dirty work the customer may choose to pay for.
The senior partner of course pockets all the money, merely keeping the mortal tenement in which the working partner dwells in a good state of repair, in consideration of services rendered.
Such a partnership is the one of Mr. and Mrs. Hayes, whose place of business is advertised every day in the morning papers in the words following :
" CLAIRVOYANCE. — Astonishing cures and great discoveries daily made by MRS. HAYES, that superior and wonderful clair- voyant. All diseases discovered and cured (if curable). Uner- ring advice given respecting persons in business, absent friends, &c. Satisfactory examinations given in all cases, or no charge made. Residence, 176 Grand St. N. Y."
Johannes, whose general health was excellent, and
182 The Witches of New York.
whose internal apparatus was all right so far as heard from, had therefore no occasion to be astonishingly cured, or to have any great discoveries made in him by Mrs. Hayes ; still he was desirous of a little " uner- ring advice about absent friends," etc., from "that superior and wonderful clairvoyant."
Besides, it was barely possible that in the person of the superior and wonderful Mrs. Hayes, he might find the bride for whom he pined. With hope slightly renewed within his speculative breast, he set off joy- fully for the designated domicile, which he achieved in the due course of travel.
The house No. 176 Grand Street is a brick two- story dwelling, of a dingy drab color, as though it had been steeped in a Quaker atmosphere and had there imbibed its color, which had since been overlaid with " world's people's" dirt.
The door was opened by Mrs. Hayes in person, her body on this occasion being sent with her spirit to do a bit of drudgery.
She is a woman of the most abject and cringing
Mrs. Hayes. 183
manner imaginable; a female counterpart of Uriah Heep, with an unknown multiplication of that vermi- cular gentleman's writhings ; she wore no hoops, she would have squirmed herself out of them in an instant ; her dress was fastened securely on with numerous visible hooks and eyes, and pins, and strings, in spite of which precautions her visitor expected to see her worm out of it before she got up stairs, and would scarcely have been astonished to see her jerk her skeleton out of her skin, and complete her errand in her bones.
"With a propitiating bow, whose intense servility would have become Mr. Sampson Brass in the day of his discomfiture, she asked her customer into the house, cringingly preceded him up stairs, deferentially placed a chair, and abjectly departed into an inner room, pausing at the door to execute an obsequious wriggle, and to once more humble herself in the dust (of which there was plenty) before her astonished visitor.
The reception-room to which she led him, is an
184 The Witches of New York.
apartment of moderate size, from the front windows of which the beholder may regale his eyes with a com- prehensive view of Centre Market and its charming surroundings ; Mott and Mulberry Streets lie just beyond, and the Tombs are visible in the dim distance. The room was furnished with a superfluity of gaudy furniture; and sofas, tables, chairs and pictures, crowded and elbowed each other, showing plainly that the upholstery of a couple, at least, of parlors had been there compressed into a bedroom
From the inner room came a great sound, made up of so many household ingredients as to defy accurate analysis — but the crying of babies, the frizzling of cooking meat, the scraping of saucepans, and a sound of somebody scolding everybody else, predominated.
The voyager was unprepared for any Mister Hayes, having taken it for granted that the Mrs. of the supe- rior and wonderful clairvoyant did not imply a hus- band, but was merely assumed because it looks more dignified in the advertisement. But there was a Mr. Hayes, and presently the door opened and that wor-
Mrs. Hayes. 185
thy appeared ; he was surrounded by an atmosphere of fried onions, and the fragrant and greasy perspira- tion in his face seemed to have been distilled from that favorite vegetable.
Mr. Hayes is a tall, fierce, sharp-spoken man, of manners so very rough and bearish that his wife and children quailed when he spoke as if they expected an instant blow. We don't know that it ever will be possible for a man to garrote his guardian angel for the sake of her golden crown, but the idea occurred to Johannes that if that amiable feat is ever accom- plished, it will be by such another man as this. He seemed as unable to speak a kind or gentle word as to pull his boots off over his ears. He is an Englishman, and speaks with the most intolerable cockney accent. Moderating his harsh tones until they were almost as pleasant as the threatenings of an ill-natured bull-dog, and addressing his auditor, he growled out the follow ing specimen of delectable English :
" There is lots of folks goin' round town pretendin' to do clairvoyance, and to cure sick folks, and to tell
i86 The Witches of New York.
fortunes, and business, and journeys, and stole pro* pertj ; but we ain't none of them people. We only do this for the sake of doin' good, and we don't want to do nothin' that will make any trouble. We used to tell things about stole property, and about family troubles, and so we sometimes used to get folks into musses, but we don't do nothin' of that kind now. If your business is about any kind of muss and trouble in your family we don't want nothin' to do with it. Sometimes folks that has quarrelled their wives away come to us and wants us to get them back again, but we don't do nothing of that sort. We can tell 'em if their wives are well, or if they're sick and all about what ails 'em, and so we can about any people that is gone off anywhere, and them's what we call ' absent friends.' So if you've got any trouble with your wife we can't do nothin.' for you."
The love-lorn visitor had no wives, a fact known to the reader already, and when he does accumulate a help-meet, he sincerely trusts she may not be so unruly as to require the interference of outsiders to preserve
Mrs. Hayes. 187
harmony in the family. He expressed himself to that effect, and added that his business was to find out about the well-being of some friends in Minnesota, and to ascertain particulars about some other trifles neces- sary to his peace of mind.
Hereupon Mr. Hayes, with a growl like a sulky rhinoceros, opened the door which cut off the pot-and- kettle Babel of the other room, and commanded his wife to come, and that estimable lady, who is evidently in a state of excellent subordination, instantly writhed herself into the room. She sat down in an armchair, and began to evolve a most remarkable series of inane smiles, each one of which began somewhere down her throat, rose to her mouth by jerks, and finally faded away at the top of her head and the tips of her ears. It was a purely spasmodic thing of dis- agreeable habit, without a particle of geniality or feeling about it.
While this curious process was going on, the Doc- tor had drawn down the window-shades, thus darken- ing the room, and now approached for the purpose of
i88 The Witches of New York.
unhooking from its earthly tabernacle the soul that was to step up to Minnesota and bring back word to his customer " how all the folks got along." This he accomplished by a few mysterious mesmeric passes, and when the trance was induced, and the spirit had, so to speak, tucked its breeches into its boots ready for the muddy journey, he placed in the hand of Johannes that of the corpus which still remained in the armchair, and said to the disembodied spirit :
" Now, I want you to go with this gentleman to Brooklyn and take a fair start from there, and then go where he tells you to, and tell him what things there is there that you see."
Having delivered this injunction in a tone so in- describably savage that he had better a thousand times have struck her in the face, this amiable animal retired to the Babel, taking with him the fried-onion atmosphere.
Then the woman in the chair began to speak, in a style the most disagreeable and affected that anybody ever listened to. It was more like that sickening gib-
Mrs. Hayes. 189
berish that nurses call "baby-talk" than anything else in the world. She spoke with a detestable whine, and pronounced each syllable of every word separately, as if she feared a two-syllable word might choke her. Sick at the stomach as was her visitor at the whole babyish performance, he so far controlled his qualms as to note down the words hereunder written.
Whoever has heard this woman in a profes- sional way can testify to the verbatim truth of this sketch.
" There is wa-ter that we must cross, we must go in a boat musn't we ? Now we're in the boat, and 0 I see so many put-ty things, men, and dogs, and ships and things going up and down ; such beau-ti-ful things I have never seened before. Now we are a-cross the riv-er, and now we must get on the car, musn't we ? What car must we get on ? 01 see it now, the yel- low car. Now we are going a-long and I can see — 0 what a pret-ty dress in that store. 0 what real nice can-dy that is. I wish I had some don't you ? Now we're at the house. Is it the one on the cor-ner, or
1 90 The Witches of New York.
the next one to it, or is it the brick house with the green blinds ? No, the wood one with green blinds ; so it is, but I didn't be here be-fore ev-er in my life. Now we will go in-to the house ; I see a car-pet there and some chairs and some — 0 what a pret-ty pic-ture, and what a nice fire. I see a la-dy of ver-y pret-ty ap-pear-ance. She is a young la-dy ; she has got blue eyes, she is stand-ing sideways so I can't see noth-ing of her but one side of her face. There is al-so an el-der-ly la-dy, but I can't see much of her. They ap- pear to be go-ing on a jour-ney, shall I go with them ? Yes, well I will. Now we are on the wa-ter and — 0 what a pret-ty boat — now we are get-ting off of the boat — I didn't nev-er be here be-fore. Now we are on a rail-road, I nev-er seened this rail-road be-fore but — 0 what a pret-ty ba-by. Now we go along, along, along, along, and now we are at the de-pot. I didn't ev-er be here ei-ther — there is a riv-er here, and a mill and a — 0 what a pret-ty cow — some-body is go-ing to milk the cow. There is a town here — it seems as if I did be here before — yes I am
Mrs. Hayes. 191
sure — 0 what a pret-ty lit-tle car-riage, and what a pret-ty dog. Yes I am sure I seened this town be-fore, but these rail-roads didn't be here then."
By this time the travellers were supposed to have reached St. Paul, and the reliable clairvoyant then proceeded to describe that interesting young city ; and in the course of her speech made more improvements there than will be accomplished in reality in less than a year or two certainly.
Among other things, Mrs. Hayes described as at present existing in St. Paul, two Colleges, a City Hall built of white marble, a locomotive factory, and a place where they were building seven ocean steamers.
She then, when she arrived at the house, in the course of her mesmeric journey, where the people concerning whom Johannes had inquired were sup- posed to be at that present domiciled, proceeded to give descriptions of those whom she saw there, of the looks of the country and of the house.
And such descriptions, as much like the truth as a ton of " T" rail is like a boiled custard.
192 The Witches of New York.
By asking leading questions the seeker after clair- voyant knowledge got some very original information. He only began this course after he found that she, if left to herself, could describe nothing, and could utter no speech more coherent or sensible than that already set down as coming from her illustrious lips.
In fact, the policy of the clairvoyant- witch in every case, is to wait for leading questions from the anxious inquirer, so that the answers may be framed to suit the exigencies of the case. Johannes was not slow to perceive this, and by way of testing the science, or rather, art of clairvoyance, he put a series of questions which established the following interesting facts, all of which were positively averred to be true by Mrs. Hayes, "that superior and wonderful clairvoyant."
Minnesota Territory is a small town situated 911 miles south-east of the mouth of the Mississippi River — its officers are a chief cook and 23 high privates, besides the younger brother of Shakspeare, who is the Mayor of the Territory, and whose principal business it is to keep the American flag at half-mast, upside down.
Mrs. Hayes. 193
When this last important information had been eli- cited, Johannes, who thought he had got the worth of his money, recalled Dr. Hayes, who re-appeared, surrounded by the same old atmosphere of the same old onions ; to him the customer resigned the hand of the twaddling adult baby who had held his hand for an hour and a half, paid his dollar, and then pre- pared to depart.
The soul of the woman then returned from its long journey, and was locked up in its squirmy body by the Doctor, ready to serve future customers at one dollar a head.
She didn't seem glad to get her soul back again, there probably not being enough to give her any great joy, after she had got it.
Johannes turned moodily away, feeling that the conjuress, his future bride, the renovator of his broken fortunes, and the ready relief to his present necessities, was as far distant as ever.
CHAPTER IX.
Tells all about Mrs. Seymour, the Clairvoyant, of No. 110 Spring Street, and what she had to say.
CHAPTER IX.
MRS. SEYMOUR, CLAIRVOYANT, No. no SPRING STREET.
THIS woman is at the same time one of the most pretentious and most clever of the clairvoyants, and she does a very large business. Most of her customers come for medical advice, although, in accordance with her printed announcement, she is willing to talk about " absent friends," and whatever other business the client may choose to pay for.
One branch of the clairvoyant trade which formerly brought as much money to their pockets as any other department of their business, was the finding lost or stolen property, and giving directions for the detection of the thieves. This specialty has however been pretty much abandoned of late by nearly all of them, in con-
198 The Witches of New York.
sequence of law-proceedings against certain ones of the sisterhood, which have in three or four instances been commenced by parties who have been wrongfully accused of theft, through the agency of the clairvoyant impostors. Several suits have been instituted against them for defamation of character, and they have been made to smart so severely that they are now all very careful about accusing persons of crimes,
As an evidence of the implicit faith put in these people by their dupes, it may be mentioned that many applications have been made to Judge "Welsh, of this city, and to the other judges, for warrants of arrest against respectable persons, for theft, the only grounds of suspicion against them being, that some clairvoy- ant had said that the property had been stolen by a person of such and such a height, with hair and eyes of this or that color, and that the suspected person happened to answer the description. Of course, all such applications for legal process have been refused by the magistrates, and the applicants dismissed with a severe rebuke.
Mrs. Seymour. 199
Mrs. Seymour was an intimate friend of Mrs. Cun- ningham, of the Burdell-murder notoriety, and was a witness in that memorable trial.
The Cash Customer had an interview with this woman, which he thus describes:
Another Clairvoyant, who is not much in particular.
If a man be desirous 'of knowing what sort of a moral character he bears in the spirit-world, and what style of society his disembodied soul will circu- late in, or if he desires to know the particulars of the after-death behavior of any of his acquaintances, of course he will find it to his interest to marry a " medium " of average respectability, and in good practice, and so save the expense of frequent consul- tations. The "rapping" and "table-tipping" com- munications from the spirit- world are hardly satisfac- tory. It is, very likely, pleasant for a man to be on speaking terms with his bedroom furniture, to spend an agreeable hour occasionally in conversation with
2oo The Witches of New York.
his washhand-stand, to enjoy a spirited argument with his bedstead and rocking-chair, or to receive now and then a confidential communication from his bootjack, but on the whole, these upholstery dialogues do not satisfy the " yearnings of the soul after the infinite," The powers of speech of a washhand-stand are circumscribed, bedsteads and rocking-chairs are seldom equal to a sustained conversation, and the most talkative bootjack has not a sufficient command of language to make itself agreeable for any great length of time. The logic of a poker may sometimes be convincing, but it is not generally agreeable ; and the rhetoric of uneducated coal-scuttles is hardly elegant enough to pass the criticism of a refined taste. It is therefore much more satisfactory as well as econo- mical, for a person who desires to enjoy his daily chat with the Spirits, to get a " speaking medium " to translate the eloquence of all parties and make the thing pleasant. Even then, confidential communica- tions must be very guarded, and on this account the person who invents some means by which every man
Mrs. Seymour. 201
can be his own medium, will win an equal immor- tality with the author of that invaluable book, " Every Man his own Washerwoman."
Johannes had been thinking over the spiritual sub- ject, of course with a view to profitable matrimony, for he thought he could manage to turn an intimacy with the spirits to good pecuniary account, and inveigle those incorporeal gentlemen into doing something for those of their friends who are yet bothered with bodies.
He knew that there are in New York, plenty of spiritualists in such constant communication with their acquaintances on the " other side of Jordan," that they know the bill of fare with which those seventh- heaveners are served every day, and whenever their jolly ghostships sit down to a pleasant game of whist, they send word to their earthly relatives by "medium" every fresh deal, what the new trump is, who hold the honors, and how the game stands generally.
So close a familiarity with superior beings as this, could be easily turned to practical account and made
to pay handsomely, by a Spiritualist with a utilitarian
0*
202 The Witches of New York.
turn of mind. If he could but get his spirits into proper subjection how useful would they not be in the patent medicine business, in the way of inventing new remedies ; how invaluable would they be to an editor ; in fact, how particularly useful in almost any kind of business.
But his great plan was to train a- corps of light-footed .and gentle ghosts to carry news ; they would of course beat locomotives, carrier pigeons, and electric tele- graphs out of sight ; seas, mountains, and such trifling obstacles would be no hindrance to them, and the Associated Press, to say nothing of the Board of Brokers, would pay handsomely for their services. Of course a ghost with any pretensions to speed would bring us detailed news from London in half-an-hour or so, without putting himself out of breath in the least, thus beating the telegraph by a length. And so Johannes, fully determined on this promising scheme, began to cast about him for a medium who was acquainted in the spirit sphere, to introduce him to some of the eligible ghosts.
Mrs. Seymour. 203
He knew that most of the clairvoyant women are " mediums," and thought very naturally that women who already earned their living by clairvoyance, would be the very ones to enter heart and soul with him into his spiritualistic scheme.
Yes, he would marry a medium, and if she was a professional clairvoyant, so much the better, his bow would have another string.
In his search for a witch- wife he would not have been justified in interfering at all with the clairvoyants had it not been for the fact that they mix a little witch- craft with their regular business. Their ostensible trade is to diagnose and prescribe for different varieties of internal disease, and so this particular branch of hum- bug would not have come within the scope of the voyager's investigations, were it not that several of these practitioners advertise to "tell the past, present, and future, describe the future husband or wife, mark out correctly the exact course of future life, give unerring advice about business, absent friends, etc."
All this had too strong a savor. of witchcraft to be
204 The Witches of New York.
ignored, and accordingly Johannes set forth on his journey to visit another of these mysteriously clear- sighted persons, keeping in view all the time the probabilities of her being an A 1 spiritual medium, and the very person whose aid would be invaluable in his new journalistic enterprise.
Mrs. Seymour, of No. 110 Spring Street, was the person towards whose house the Cash Customer bent his steps, after reading the subjoined advertisement of her powers and capabilities.
" CLAIRVOYANCE. — Mrs. SEYMOUR, 110 Spring Street, a few doors west of Broadway, the most successful medical and business Clairvoyant in America. All diseases discovered and cured, if curable; unerring advice on business, absent friends, &c., and satisfaction in all cases, or no charge made."
The clairvoyant branch of the fortune-telling busi- ness seems to require a certain amount of respec- tability in its practices, and they sneer at the grosser deceptions of the more vulgar of the necro- mantic trade. They keep aloof from the greasier sisters of the profession, and they feel it due to the
Mrs. Seymour. 205
dignity of their station to reject the cards, the magic mirrors, the Bibles and keys, the mysterious pebbles and the other tricks which do well enough for twenty- five cent customers ; to sojourn in reputable streets, in respectable houses, and to have clean faces when visitors come in. There are, it is true, clairvoyants in the city who live wretchedly in miserable cellars, whose garments and very hair are populated with various specimens of animated nature, and whose bodies are so filthy that the beholder wonders why the spirits, which are so often disconnected from them and sent on far-off missions, do not avail themselves of the leave of absence to desert for ever such unsa- vory corporeal habitations. But the majority of these persons prefer parlors to basements, and make up the difference in expenses by double-charging their cus- tomers. Many of them, as before stated, combine a lit- tle spiritualism of the other sort with the clairvoy- ance, and they can all go into a trance on short notice and rhapsodize with all the fervor if not the eloquence of Mrs. Cora Hatch ; they can all do the table-tipping
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trick, and are up to more rappings than the Eochester Fox girls ever thought of. For these several reasons therefore Mrs. Seymour would be a wife worth having, or at least so thought Johannes as he pon- dered these truths, and arranged in his mind his plan of attack on the affections of that susceptible lady.
The house No. 110 Spring Street, occupied by Mrs. Seymour for business purposes, is not more seedy in appearance than the majority of half-way decent tenant houses, which all have a decrepit look after they are four or five years old, as though youthful dis- sipations had made them weak in the joints. From appearances, Mrs. Seymour's house had been more than commonly rakish in its juvenility, but it still had that look of better days departed, which, in the human kind, is peculiar to decayed ministers of the gospel. It is a house where a man on a small salary would apply for cheap board. Hither the inquirer repaired, and shamefacedly knocked at the door, and was admitted by a frowzy, coarse, plump, semi-respect- able girl, who would have been the better for a wash-
Mrs. Seymour. 207
ing. She opened the door and the customer entered the reception-room, and had ample time before the appearance of the mistress to take an observation.
The parlor was neatly, though rather scantily fur- nished, with a rigid economy in the article of chairs. The apartment communicated by folding-doors with another room, whence could be heard an iron noise as of some one scraping a saucepan with a kitchen-spoon. The frowzy girl disappeared into this retired spot, and in about the space of time that would be occupied by an enterprising woman in rolling down her sleeves, taking off her apron, and washing her hands, the door opened, and Mrs. Seymour presented herself.
She was a frigid-looking woman, of about 35 years of age, with dark hair and eyes, projecting lips and heavy chin, and was of medium height and size. Her appearance was perhaps lady-like, her movements slow and well considered. She was perfectly self- possessed and calculating, and appeared to cherish no dissatisfaction with herself. Her demeanor, on the whole, was repelling and chilly, and impressed her
208 The Witches of New York.
visitor very much as if some one had slipped a lump of ice down his back and made him sit on it till it melted.
She regarded him with a look of professional sus- picion, cast her eye round the room with a quick glance, which instantly inventoried everything therein contained, as though to assure herself of the safety of any small articles which might be scattered about, and then seated herself with an air of preparedness, as if she was perfectly on guard and not to be taken by surprise by anything that might occur. She volunteered a frozen remark or two about the state of the weather, and then subsided into silence, evi- dently waiting to hear the object of the visit.
Her appearance and demeanor had instantly frozen out of the voyager's mind all thoughts of marriage ; he would as soon have wedded an iceberg, or have taken to his heart of hearts a thermometer with its mercury frozen solid. All he could do was to buy a dollar's worth of her clairvoya&ce and then get out.
As soon therefore as the first chill had passed off,
Mrs. Seymour. 209
and he had thawed out a few words for immediate use he asked for a little of that commodity.
When as he announced that he desired to know about the present well or ill of some absent friends, and that clairvoyance was the branch of her business which would on this occasion be called into requisi- tion, she rose from her seat, walked to the door, never taking her eyes from the hands and pockets of her customer, and called to some one to come in. In obedience to the summons, the frowzy girl entered ; this latter individual, since her first appearance, had taken off her apron and pinned some kind of a collar around her neck, but had not yet found time to comb her hair, which was exceedingly demonstrative, and forced itself upon attention.
Mrs. Seymour seated herself in a rocking-chair and closed her eyes ; the plump girl stood behind her and pressed her thumbs firmly upon the temples of Mrs. S. for about two minutes, during which time this lat- ter lady lost every instant something of life and ani- mation, until at last she froze up entirely. Then the
21D The Witches of New York.
frowzy girl made one or two mysterious mesmeric passes over the sleeping beauty from her head to her feet, to fix her in the iceberg state ; then placing the hand of Mrs. S. in the palm of the customer, she left the room.
The worst of it was that Mrs. Seymour's hand is not an agreeable one to hold ; it is cold and flabby, and not suggestive of vitality. Her face, too, had become pallid and corpse-like, and her thin blue lips were not pleasant to regard. Johannes was puzzled ; he didn't know what to do with the flabby hand, and how he was to get any information about absent friends from a fast-asleep woman he did not, as yet, exactly com- prehend. At this juncture, the lips asked, " Where am I to go to ?" The sitter suppressed a sulphurous reply, and substituted, " To Minnesota." Thereupon, without any more definite direction as to what part of that rather extensive territory she was expected to visit, she sent her spirit off, and immediately uttered these words :
" I see two old people, two very old people — one is
Mrs. Seymour. 2 1 1
a man and one is a woman ; one of them has been very sick of bilious fever, but is now better, and will soon be quite well again. I can't tell exactly how these people look except that they are very old and both are very grey. They may be husband and wife. I think they are. They are both sitting down now. I also see two young people — one of them is a male and the other a female. The- male I do not perceive very plainly, and I cannot make out much about him ; he seems to be standing up and looking very sad, but I can't tell you a great deal about him. The female I can see much better, and can make out more about. She is tall, and has dark hair. She appears to be connected in some way to the old people, but I do not think she is related to the young man, though I can- not exactly make out. She is a very agreeable-look- ing female, rather pretty, I should say, if not posi- tively handsome. She has straight hair and does not wear curls. She is standing up now, and appears to be talking to the young man, who has his back partly turned toward her. I don't quite make out what they
212 The Witches of New York.
are saying. She has had a very severe attack of sick- ness, but has nearly or quite recovered. She is not, however, what I should call a healthy female, and she will soon have another fit of sickness, which will be worse than the first, and will bring her very low indeed — very near to death. But she will not die then, though she is not what I should call a long-lived person. She will certainly die in six or eight years. What disease she will die of I can't just make out, but it will not be of a lingering character : it will carry her off suddenly. These people are all very anxious about you, as if you was one of their family. They have not heard from you lately, and are looking daily for intelligence from you. They have written to you twice within three months. One of the letters got to this city — a man took it out of the mail. I don't know where he took it out, and I can't exactly describe the man, but a man took it out of the mail. These people are not satisfied to live where they are now; they are discontented with the country, and will return here in the Spring. They are talking
Mrs. Seymour. 213
about it now. They would like to come back this Winter, but circumstances are so that they cannot. You may be sure, however, that you will see them here in the Spring. There is no doubt of it ; they will come here in the Spring. The other letter that I told you of that they had written has got here safe, and is now in the Post-Office. You will find it there if you inquire ; you will be sure to get it as soon as you go down to the office."
This was delivered in a very jerky manner, with occasional twitchings of the face and violent claspings of the hand, which her visitor retained, although it gave him a cold sweat to do it. Johannes, who has friends in Minnesota, 'and whose questions were there- fore all in good faith, tried to get the sleeping female to descend a little more to particulars, to describe indi- viduals or localities minutely enough to be recognised if the descriptions approached the truth; but Mrs. Seymour was not to be caught in this manner. She invariably dodged the question, and dealt only in the most vague and uncertain generalities — giving no
214 The Witches of New York.
description of persons or things that might not have applied with equal accuracy to a hundred other per- sons or things in that or any other locality. Her assertions concerning the persons supposed to be her customer's friends did not approach the truth in any one particular ; nor was there the slightest shadow of even probability in any single statement she uttered. She is not, however, a . woman to lack customers, so long as there remain in the world fools of either sex. When the inquirer had concluded his questioning, he was somewhat at a loss how to awake the woman from her trance, but she solved that little difficulty herself by opening her eyes (as if she had been wide awake all the time) and calling for the beauteous maiden of the snarly hair, who accordingly appeared and made a few mysterious mesmeric passes length- wise of her sleeping mistress, and awoke her to the necessity of dunning her visitor, which she did instantly and with a relish. He paid the demanded dollar and departed.
CHAPTER X.
Describes Madame Carzo, the Brazilian Astrologist, of No.
1 5 1 Bowery, and gives all the romantic adventures
of the " Individual " with that gay
South American Naiad.
CHAPTER X.
MADAME CARZO, THE BRAZILIAN ASTROLO- GIST, No. 151 BOWERY,
THE illustrious lady who is the subject of the present chapter, came to the city of New York in 1856, and at once took lodgings and began business in the fortune- telling way. She did well, pecuniarily speaking, for a time, but the details of a visit to her having been published at length in one of the daily journals, she at once retired from the business, and subsided into private life. She is not now extant as a witch, and it is not impossible that she is earning an honester living in other ways.
The newspaper article that convinced her of the error of her ways, and induced her to give up fortune- telling, is the subjoined chapter by the "Individual :"
10
21 8 The Witches of New York.
He meets a Yankee-Brazilian. She is not ill-looking, etc.
Whether the budding beauties of maidenhood are- inconsistent with the orgies of witchcraft; whether there be an irreconcilable antagonism between youth and loveliness, and the unknown mysteries of the black art, is a vexed question of some interest. Can't a woman be supposed to indulge in a little devilment before her hair turns grey, and her teeth fall out? and is it impossible for her to have reliable and trustworthy dealings with Old Scratch until she is wrinkled and withered ?
That's what I want to know.
And I am very naturally urged to the inquiry by the observation that every professional witch in New York calls herself a " Madame." There is not a "Miss" or a " Mademoiselle," in the whole batch. They all make a pretence of being widows, or wives at the very least, as if a certain amount of matrimonial tribulation was indispensable to their accomplishment in the arts of sorcery and magic. The only exception to this rule is
Madame Carzo. 219
found in the person of a female calling herself " The Gipsy Girl," who is otherwheres mentioned, and in her case the several agencies of nature, rum, and small- pox have made her so strikingly ugly that old age could not add a single other trait of repulsiveness to her excruciating features.
Now this is all a sad mistake. Let some young and undeniably pretty girl go into the business, and she'd soon get a run of exclusive customers who would stand any price and pay without grumbling. If the original Satan should refuse to recognise her eligibility, and should decline to furnish her with the requisite quantity of diabolic knowledge to set her up in business, she could easily find an opposition devil who would provide her stock in trade, and possibly at something less than the usual rates. I'll be bound that Lucifer doesn't monopolize the whole trade in witchcraft, and pocket all the profits himself; Tor if some of the numerous clerks in his employ haven't yet learned the trick of stealing the stock and selling it at a reduced price, then the young gentlemen of our earthly mercantile
22O The Witches of New York.
houses are a good deal up-to-smiffer than the virtuous demons of Mr. Satan's establishment. This last-named dealer generally demands the soul of the contracting party in return for the powers and privileges conferred ; and in very many cases he must get decidedly the worst of the bargain, for some of his precious adopted children never had souU enough to pay for the ink to sign it away with; but there is no doubt, in case a brisk competition should arise for customers, that some of his cashiers and head-clerks would contrive to under- sell him even at this price.
The person who is so very anxious to effect this desirable consummation, and to bring on a crop of young and pretty witches to supersede the grizzled ones of this present generation was Johannes, who had of late been getting rather sick of the "Madames," and would prefer, if possible, to have the rest of his fortunes told by ladies of tenderer agefand greater inexperience in the ways of the world.
However, he was not the man to be deterred, in his pursuit of wisdom, by the age and ugliness, grey hairs,
Madame Carzo. 221
wrinkles, false teeth, no teeth, dirt, ignorance, and imbecility lie had encountered, and he was determined to go on to the very end and see if these are the sum total of modern witchcraft.
And then duns came o'er the spirit of his dream, and fond visions of sundry small debts, paid by magic and a wife, as soon as he should succeed in finding the wife who had the magic, floated across his hard-up brain, and encouraged him to perseverance in his matrimonial quest. And when he had won that invaluable lady, he would stuff his mattress with receipted bills, and cram his pillow with cancelled notes, lie down to pleasant dreams, and awake to ready cash.
Sweet thought !
So he made ready to visit the humble abode of MADAME CARZO, THE BRAZILIAN ASTROLOGIST, No. 151 Bowery.
To say that he discovered, in this lady, the ideal of his search, that he found her handsome, intelligent, learned in the stars and thoroughly posted in the other
222 The Witches of New York.
branches of her trade, would be to anticipate. Suffice to say that boa-constrictors, half-naked savages, dye- woods, Jesuit's bark, cockatoos, scorpions and ring- tailed monkeys, are not, as he had hitherto supposed, the only contributions to the happiness of mankind afforded by South America, for the Province of Brazil grows fortune-tellers of a very superior quality as to respectability and neatness of appearance. A Brazilian witch was something new, and without stopping to inquire how she had strayed so far away from home, he immediately argued that that single fact was decidedly in her favor. Thus ran the logic :
If there be any diabolism in mo4ern witchcraft, the practisers thereof who have received their education in tropical latitudes ought to be the most worthy of credence and belief, inasmuch as the temperature of their places of residence seems to afford a supposition that they live nearer head-quarters, and are, therefore, most likely to receive information by the shortest routes.
By the time he arrived at the spot where the great
Madame Carzo. 223
astrologist condescended to abide, he had, by this course of reasoning, convinced himself that he ought to place implicit confidence in any revelations of the future made by the mysterious woman who adver- tised herself and her calling, daily in the papers as follows :
"MADAME CARZO, the gifted Brazilian Astrologist, tells the fate of every person who visits her with wonderful accuracy, about love, marriage, business, property, losses, things stolen, luck in lotteries, absent friends, at No. 151 Bowery, corner of Broome."
The South American lady had located her myste- rious self in a fragrant spot.
The corner of Bowery and Broome Street and vicinity seems to have some kind of a constitutional disorder, and it relieves itself by a cutaneous eruption of low rum shops and pustulous beer saloons, which always look as if they ought to be squeezed and rubbed with ointment of red lead. To an observing person it appears as if the city wanted to scratch itself
224 The Witches of New York.
in that particular part to relieve the local irritation, and then ought, for the sake of its general health, to take a large dose of brimstone immediately afterward. The liquors sold at these places are those pure and healthful beverages, " warranted to kill at forty rods," and are the very drinks with which a convivial, but revengeful man, would wish to regale his friend against whom he held a secret grudge. Why Madame Carzo had chosen this particular locality, does not appear ; perhaps because the liquor was cheap and the rent low. Certain it is that there she sat, at a window overlooking the Bowery, in full view of all the pedestrians in the street and the pas- sengers in the 4th Avenue Railroad.
Madame Carzo was, doubtless, deeply attached to her old Brazilian home, and loved to surround herself with circumstances and things that would constantly and vividly recall pleasant memories of her southern country. Cherishing, probably, kindly and regretful remembrances of the harmless reptiles of her own Brazilian forests, she had taken up her abode
Madame Carzo. 225
in the very thick of the Bowery bar-rooms, as the only things afforded by our frigid climate, at all approaching in life-destroying malignity the speedier venoms to which she had been accustomed in her delightful southern home. First-rate facilities for drugging a man into a state of crazy madness are offered at the bar across the way ; he may swill him- self into a condition of beastly stupidity with lager beer from next door below ; he may be pleasantly poisoned by degrees with the drugged alcohol, in various forms, which is sold next door above ; or he may be more speedily disposed of with a couple of doses of " doctored " whiskey from the festering den just round the corner. Lucrezia Borgia was a novice, a mere babe in toxicology. New York wholesale liquor dealers could teach her the alphabet in the fine art of slow poisoning. She would no longer need the subtle chemistry of the Borgias ; she could learn of them to poison wholesale and to do the work by labor-saving machinery.
Johannes, resolved that if he should marry the
226 The Witches of New York.
astrologist he would move out of the neighborhood, and take a house in a cleaner part of the city, for he felt that if he had to do even the courting here, he would have to fumigate himself after every visit to his lady-love as though he had just come out of a yellow-fever ship. He knew that if he should chance to meet the Health Officer in the street after a two hours' stay in that locality, that trusty official would, from the unhealthy smell of his coat, quarantine him for forty days, and put him up to his neck in a barrel of chloride of lime every morning.
But a full-fledged Cupid is a plucky animal, and not easily killed by anything no more tangible